Fake Lesbian, Real Cash

Sex & The City Episodes 3-6.

May 26, 2024

I just love the episodes after a pilot when minor changes are incredibly noticeable and everybody looks difference because likely 1-2 years has passed since they filmed that shit. Television!!! Also: it was actually Miranda’s birthday party in the pilot episode, not Sam’s. Sam is just more interesting in that scene so I uh, blocked Miranda out. Sorry!

Episode 2: Models and Mortals

The episode titles for this show are just *chef kiss*. As you might be able to deduce, this episode is going to be about MODELS. More accurately, this episode is about men who “only” fuck models. Or as they call them in this universe: “modelizers”. AND YES ALL OF THE MEN ARE JUST SOME GUY.

Carrie is doing her VO (voiceover) thing talking about how some men only bone models and how living in New York is like living in a runway show because the models walk down the street!!!! They are PEOPLE! The gals lament that some men are modelizers and it is exhausting and then it turns out MIRANDA’S CURRENT DATE IS ONE!!!!!!!!! DUN DUN DUN.

Miranda's date; Miranda's face when his friends inform her that he only dates models and they said he had to bring a "real" woman to dinner for once

Because Carrie is a SERIOUS JOURNALIST she decides to ask her friend, Barkley, (played by Gabriel Macht) about his love of models. He is an artist so she goes to visit him at his studio where he does painting AND AS IT TURNS OUT: SECRET PORN WHICH IS VERY MUCH A CRIME?????????????? He calls the models “things” and Carrie isn’t even mad at him, not even when he shows her porn he makes without consent!!! She’s just like haha oh Barkley! PARDON??????????????????????

Samantha and Carrie go to a fashion show because they are New York Semi-Famous and Stanford’s client (he is a talent manager) is in the show. I think we are supposed to find the client attractive but I do not. Barkley is there and Samantha is like OooooO he’s nice to look at and Carrie is like oh he’s a total modelizer and btw he films them and Sam is like I am as good looking as a model (true) and then she bones him and says he can film her so he does which is fine WHEN SOMEBODY CONSENTS. At the after party for this fashion show, Carrie runs into Big—with a model!—and he says that her column is “cute”. AND SHE STILL FAWNS OVER THIS MAN!

At some point in this episode they have that essential scene—especially when the subject is models—where these women are all lamenting about their appearance and Samantha says nothing but her usual line: “I happen to like the way I look!”. That’s right!!!!! I blow my brains out listening to Charlotte talk about her thighs hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha and Miranda says something about her chin??? and Carrie says something about her nose. WHO NOTICES A CHIN!!!!! THESE ARE NOT REAL!!! Absolutely incredible television I cannot get enough.

Episode 3: Bay of Married Pigs

This is an quintessential episode of SATC because it introduces the audience to that classic New York experience: summer in The Hamptons. In this case, Carrie is at the summer house of her married friends (we have never seen them before and never will again, although I swear the woman appears in another episode as somebody else). In VO she tells us that single guests have to “sing for their supper” by telling sexy stories about their sexy single life. So that’s what she’s doing but we don’t hear it because she is gabbing in the VO. Instead, we just see their faces and the man is making an expression that horrifies me to my core. The next morning, Carrie wakes up to find this man STANDING IN THE HALLWAY WITH NO PANTS OR UNDERPANTS ON, DRINKING HIS COFFEE AND CASUALLY TALKING TO HER. HE HAS HIS DICK OUT. And she just looks away and then casually tells her friend, the wife, about it in the morning. The friend is horrified and Carrie has to leave.

Back in the city, Charlotte’s hair is SO SHINY. Just gorgeous!!!!! Unfortunately, the episode is not about that. Instead, it is about the war between married people and singles. Apparently once women are married, single women become the enemy because they get to have sex with whomever WHICH COULD INCLUDE YOUR HUSBAND (nobody wants your fucking husband ok????). As she is discussing this issue with Stanford, who says that even the gays are falling into this trap, they run into a former flame of Carrie’s who is now (always) gay and him and his life partner ASK CARRIE TO BE THEIR EGG DONOR. JUST. RIGHT THERE. IN THE STREET. DURING A HAPPENSTANCE MEETING. Do not do this!!!!!!!

Over at Miranda’s law firm, she is continually left out of social events because she is single and all the partners are married (and men lol). She is playing at the firm’s softball game (GAY) and H. Jon Benjamin plays a random coworker who wants to set her up with somebody so she is like omg yes and so he brings her over to said person and it is a woman. Miranda is like I AM NOT GAY. And he’s like oh my bad, you dress like a [redacted]. I am kidding. He says he hasn’t seen her with any guys during the 6-8 months he has been at the firm and she’s like so!?!?!?! Anyways, her and this woman get along and nail some softball plays and so the senior partner at her firm, a white republican man, invites her and the woman to dinner. He thinks they are lesbians and so she goes with it so that she can get ahead at work?????????????????? After the dinner she tells the truth and her boss is like oh darn, my wife really wanted to add a lesbian couple to our group (I am not being glib, this is what he says to her). She tries kissing the woman in the elevator and then goes “nope, definitely straight” and the woman goes “yeah”. BURN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Elsewhere, Sam fucks Charlotte’s Irish twink doorman. The end!

Episode 4: Valley of the 20-Something Guys

After continuing to run into each other around town, Big and Carrie decide to go on a real date. This is going to be ANNOYING. They are supposed to meet at a bar but it was full, so when Big finally gets in he finds Carrie HOLDING A STRANGER’S TONGUE. It is Timothy Olyphant and he has a tongue piercing and she is HOLDING HIS TONGUE. I cannot stress enough that this woman use her grubby little hand to grab a RANDOM PERSON’S TONGUE INSIDE OF THEIR MOUTH. Big is like, you’re holding a tongue? And then says he had an hour but waited in line for too long and then was looking for her and now all he has is enough time to say goodbye.

Carrie then goes into a VO about dating younger guys (because Tongue Guy is 20-something and Big is an old man) and compares it to doing drugs. GIRL WHAT? They then do some talking-heads with men who are basically like “women in their 30s accept the bare minimum and also they know about wine and remind me of my mom”. I cackle. Charlotte is dating a regular aged man and he wants to have anal sex, which apparently calls for an emergency cab ride where all the gals shove into the backseat (LOL SYMBOLISM). Sam says to do it. Miranda says she will lose power if she does? Carrie says something committal because she is spineless and boring. The cab stops suddenly and Charlotte goes “what was that?” and the rest of the gals go “a preview” and laugh.

When she finally gets her solo date with Big…………..it turns out his very bitter friend Jack is there ranting about his current divorce so then she leaves and goes to find Timothy Olyphant and then they bang and she wakes up in his TRULT DISGUSTING APARTMENT and she’s doing her UTI prevention urination (a bit late) and there’s no toilet paper. She yells for some and Timothy Olyphant is like oh I would offer you some paper towel but I just used it to make coffee.

To recover from this incident, Carrie goes to buy some shoes. The way this bitch casually drops $500 on the reg is wild!! WILD. Then she runs into big (of course) and spoils his crossword puzzle and then he goes after her and they “banter” and I’m already fucking exhausted!!!!!

Episode 5: The Power of Female Sex

Sam and Carrie are trying to get a table at Balzac, which makes me giggle because that is a coffee chain in Ontario (well, the coffee is Balzac’s but whatever). The hostess is wearing essentially a top hat fascinator and honestly, I am fascinated. They cannot get a table because it is too busy and they are not famous enough, I guess. Samantha is livid!

Carrie is testing a theory about shopping unleashing the creative subconscious (or so she tells us) and then the store cuts up her credit card and she’s VERY calm about it??? And then a gorgeous Italian woman buys the shoes for her on the account of some wealthy guy who she tells Carrie has a tiny tiny penis but knows how to use it. She tells the camera that most people call Amalita “Eurotrash” but she thinks she’s fun. The store gives Carrie the shoes. It’s Dolce & Gabbana by the way. Again, they cut up her credit card and Carrie is VERY calm about it??????????

After this incident which seems to not have rattled her at all, Carrie invites the girls over for poker so she can save money and maybe even pick up some $$. Charlotte is talking about some illustriously reclusive artist who only comes to the city once every….long time…and he invited Charlotte to his studio where later we find out his whole collection is vaginas only it’s 1998 (and HBO) so they say “cunt”.

Amalita calls Carrie and tells her to come out and meet them at Balzac and Carrie is like well my new shoes need to be shown off. And then Amalita is like look at this 12k bracelet Carlo bought me today HAHHAHAHA (and truly she laughs every 2 seconds). Over at the table are some “handsome” men. Carrie’s VO says she is putting her journalistic skills to good use via flirting? Seems like she is just describing human interaction but whatever. She “learns” that Gilles, a “handsome” French man is French and an architect.

After this meal (?), her and the French guy are walking home. Gilles tells her to give up her life and move to Paris with him (why do so many men ask her this even this one she’s known for 5 hours?). She refers to be financial woes and mentions her “substance abuse problem” which is “expensive footwear”. GOOD GRIEF. She calls this man “uncomfortably handsome” and I would just say that looking at him is uncomfortable minus the handsome. Anyways they bone and the next morning he has to leave but he tells her to stay and order room service and then also she discovers that he left 1k in cash for her. PHENOMENAL. She freaks out and invites Miranda and Sam over and they argue about keeping the money and whether or not they should use the room service. Carrie thinks they should pay for their own food which is STUPID. She should absolutely keep the money and they should absolutely put all the food on his tab. WHY WOULDN’T YOU?!?!?!?!? He is rich and lives in another country and also will not notice the cost because he can just throw around 1k which leads me to believe he does not check his bank statements ever.1

Charlotte is visiting the reclusive artist and his wife Gertrude brings them lemonade and he asks if she will pose for him and Gertrude says “I bet you have a beautiful cunt, dear” and tbh these people seem fun!!! They are mid-60s and having a good time!!!

At the end of the episode they go to the vagina art show and try to guess which Charlotte is and she giggles so we aren’t entirely sure if she did it or not. I bet she did because she is fun and cool and loves art.

Episode 6: Secret Sex

This episode is absolutely infuriating and exhausting. I become annoyed within the first five minutes!!! The girls are hanging out while Carrie gets ready for her real date with Big and Charlotte calls her dress The Naked Dress and she’s RIGHT. Carrie says she is wrong. But she is not. Now to be clear: I want everybody to wear whatever makes them happy at all times, but let’s just call it what it is okay!!!!!

Anyways, The Naked Dress leads to a discussion about whether or not Carrie & Big are going to have sex on the first date. Charlotte says not to because you will never have a relationship and some other boring Charlotte stuff. Carrie and Big do indeed bone IMMEDIATELY. Like, immediately. She is panicking and starts rambling. Big suggests they get Szechuan.2 Btw I don’t need to finish watching to know what happens the rest of the episode. I’m a deviant.

At the Szechuan restaurant, Carrie runs into an old friend who does not introduce the woman he is. He is quite awkward about it all. The next day (????) Carrie is with said guy—Mike—at a bedding store??? He tells her that the woman in question—Libby— is “not somebody [he] dates openly”. I want to scream!!!!!!! As Carrie and Mike lay in a bed on display at what might be Bed, Bath & Beyond? He tells her that Libby isn’t attractive enough but he wandered into a shop after a break-up and she was serving him cheese samples and was just nice so they started hooking up and btw the sex is amazing. But he doesn’t introduce her to people because, again, she is not good looking enough (?????????????). Carrie tells us in VO that she “can’t decide if he was being shallow”. PARDON??????????????

LOOK AT MIKE. REALLY LOOK AT HIM! THAT IS JUST SOME MAN! Libby is a CUTE OUTFIT and NICE HAIR with GREAT VOLUME and A NICE FACE. AND IS APPARENTLY VERY GOOD AT SEX. AND SHE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, Libby should get to run both Mike and Carrie over with a truck full of molten brie cheese that she then deposits over their already injured bodies.

Miranda kicks a man in the face at the boxing gym and then they fuck? I block out A LOT of Miranda’s random bangs because they are boring. Elsewhere, Big phones Carrie for a second date and they go out and are walking arm-in-arm down the sidewalk which is both a) way too intense and b) FUCKING RUDE, SHARE THE SIDEWALK! She tells him that an ad for her column, featuring her in The Naked Dress, will be on the side of the M11 bus and her and some friends are going to wait for it to go by and have a little party. They run into some people Big knows and he does not introduce her. So then she starts to spiral out that Big is hiding her the way same Mike was hiding Libby because a) the lack of introduction, b) same Sichuan restaurant, c) she thinks he is some fancy impressive perfect guy and I simply do not understand that. Anyways, later she “confronts him” and he’s like…..well I didn’t introduce you because I forgot that guy’s name, I took you to that restaurant because I think it’s the best Chinese food in the city, and then he couldn’t attend the Bus Party (aka standing on the sidewalk) because he had Knick’s tickets. MIND YOU, THEY HAVE BEEN ON TWO DATES!!!! TWO!!!!! I am already exhausted.

Oh—and when the gals (plus Mike) did see the M11 bus go by, somebody had drawn a penis in Carrie’s mouth. Incredible stuff.