Harry Forever, Berger For NEVER
SATC Season 5: Episode 5-8
Here we go, lads. I have to tell you, while it is nearly impossible to really rank the slew of putrid clowns that Carrie dates….Jack Berger is very near the top. Carry that with you as we go into this section of Season 5 and the start of Season 6.
Episode 5: Plus One is the Loneliest Number
We open with Carrie at the venue for her book launch. In VO she says that there is a day all New York women dream of…it’s her book release party. I do not think everybody dreams of this? Anthony is helping Sam with the party and it’s gonna be a big ole shindig.
Miranda is at work at gets a call from that guy Walker that she fucked before she got pregnant (not Steve, the one before). He has not been in town again since then and so he doesn’t know she had a baby. She says nothing. She invites him to Carrie’s book party.
Charlotte is saying goodbye to a date at her door. He is VERY UNATTRACTIVE. They kiss. A neighbour emerges and is very unhappy. Because WASPs don’t want to see a polite peck during the day, I guess.
Carrie is with her publishers, and Amy Sedaris is telling her that everybody is coming, including GQ which has actual straight men! Just then, none other than Jack Berger (Ron Livingston) enters. He is Being Funny & Charming. Amy Sedaris is like oh you two should talk he’s been through the whole process. Cut to: they’re sitting together on a bench while Carrie enjoys a strawberry shake from McDonalds. They are kinda doing flirting?? He says “alright, what’s next? How long do I have you for?”. He has to go pick up his dry cleaning so she goes with him. He offers her a hand to get up off the bench. HMMMM. In Vo, Carrie says “we were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it’s not a date”. On their walk he picks up a playing card off the street — he says he collects them and is hoping to get a full deck. He’s quirky!!!!! She invites him to her book party and then he says his girlfriend’s parents are coming to town. TWIST!
Let me get ahead of this now: I *do* think he was flirting with her. Not because he was being nice but because HE WAS FLIRTING WITH HER. They literally had a MINI DATE and were together FOR A WHILE. Now listen, I cannot claim to understand heterosexual culture (even though I cosplayed as it for while) — I bring up my partner all the time because….I live my life with them….and it just….comes up? I don’t know, y’all. He grabs her hand, he acts very familiar with her….it just seems like flirting to me!!!!
Cut to: Carrie is telling them about it at lunch and is lamenting how they had a spark and she wonders if Berger and his gf are happy together and says “this is not a good side of me” LOL. Charlotte asks what he looks like and Carrie says “I can’t remember” which she adds is what happens when she really likes somebody. Sam is like don’t mope you have a book coming out and let’s go get a mani/pedi/botox Carrie says “yes but I won’t have a plus one” OMGGGGG GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! You started this episode by saying that every woman dreams of this party and now you’re being a little baby because you don’t have a date????????????????????????????
I need to address the outfit that Carrie wearing. They really did not know what to do with a pregnant SJP, methinks.
I mean…………..sure.
Sam is off getting her botox and the doctor suggests a chemical peel. WOOF don’t do it Sam!! ESPECIALLY NOT BEFORE A BIG EVENT…
OH NAURRRRR, SAM. NAURRRRRR.
Cut to: Carrie is out for a solo lunch when her Vogue editor, Enid, walks into the same restaurant. Carrie is reading “Hello” magazine and there is a Hello/Hello bit. It’s awkward. Enid joins her for lunch. It is still awkward. Btw they are both eating the saddest looking salads. Eventually Enid tells her that she is seeing a man who lives in this neighbourhood and Carrie is like, oh that’s great news because you have a great career and a relationship so that’s amazing — you have it all! And Enid is just awkward. Carrie is like, you’re killing me I am trying so hard please say something. Anyways, Enid says that to speak in magazine copy she has it all “on the East Side. He has someone else on the West Side. Luckily the park provides a buffer”. She is fine with it because she has a full time job and thus doesn’t have time for a full time man hahahahahaha okay!!! Hilarious, honestly!!! Enid says the key to having it all is not expecting it to look like what you think it should. In VO, Carrie says that this advice got Enid an invite to her book party.
Charlotte does sex with the man that I find to be very unattractive (unsurprising). The next morning, the doorbell rings and she thinks it is a breakfast delivery but TWIST: Bunny lets herself in. She’s like, what are you doing here? And Bunny says what are YOU doing here?! Basically, the co-op board is spying on her and told Bunny that they saw her kissing that guy and somebody else saw her bring him home last night, and according to the doorman he hasn’t yet left. Anyways, Charlotte is like this is my apartment leave me alone and Bunny is like no babe it isn’t and Charlotte is like yeah it is Trey gave it to me and Bunny says ooooh well it wasn’t his to give, it has been in (and stays in) the MacDougal name, and then Charlotte’s date emerges and learns that Charlotte is still technically married, etc.
Over at Carrie’s, she’s signing copies of her book. A leftie!! She gets a call from Charlotte complaining about how Anthony is going to be her plus one to the party. Carrie gets a call on the other line (FUN!) and Charlotte says she cannot wait because the locksmith is here: “Bunny is back”. On the other line is Stanford, who is talking about the party. Carrie says she misses Stanford being her plus one and how the gay guy is the single girl’s fall back or whatever. #ally
THEN another call on the other line, they hang up, and it’s Sam telling Carrie about her face and being like oh I am not sure I should come to the party and Carrie is like you have to come you’re my publicist please I need you so much and you said you’d be my plus one. Sam, through her painful face, is like okay I’ll be there. A real one.
OOUU WE’RE AT THE PARTY! It’s very fancy. There are little pink cakes, cosmopolitans (I don’t drink anymore but I have had a cosmo and it was nice) and lots of people. Carrie is approached by a writer from The New Yorker, Harold, who has been following her career?? Okay sure. Anyways, Sam arrives and she has a veil over her face and Carrie is like oh what are you a beekeeper? Let the man see your face and then Carrie and Harold are horrified.
Carrie is like omg why did you do this? And Sam says it was an impulse purchase and Carrie is like GUM is an impulse purchase! And Sam says she wanted to look fresh, and Carrie is like well you do you look like beef carpaccio. HAHAHAHAHAHAH MY GOD. Then Sam goes on a rant about plastic surgery and beauty standards etc. Sure, Sam. Speak your truth!
Just then, Stanford and Marcus arrive. They gasp!! Marcus says that when he got his nose job he stayed inside for a month. LOL.
Stanford and Marcus go join Charlotte and Anthony, and of course Stanford is like oh this is my boyfriend. Anthony says “good luck to you!” And Stanford says “we don’t need luck, we’re in love”. Stanford then says that they’re getting a house in the Hamptons, and as Anthony walks away, yells “he has a large penis!”. Charlotte just goes “so where in the Hamptons?”.
Miranda is making out with Walker and he is like okay let’s get going and Miranda chooses this moment to say she had a baby and jokes “but I’m still allowed to have sex!”. And the guy says “is it uh…mine?”. And she says no and he laughs and then says he isn’t good with kids and she says “neither am I”. Whatever whatever they decide to go do sex. TBH I HATE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT AHHHHHHHHHHHHH they are doing sex on the couch and the baby starts yelling and she’s like Walker don’t stop and Miranda yells “mommy’s coming” but she means like………………………..anyways then he is like, I don’t think I can do this. And then she’s like ugh can I at least come first and he gives up. Cut to: Miranda going to check on Brady and he finally stops crying LOL and he is so cute.1
Back at the party, Carrie is talking to Enid and there is a cameo from Issac Mizrahi. They leave. Carrie gets the last mini cake. In VO she says “who needs a date? I could have my cake and eat it too”. Then she spots Berger and says “there he was, looking cuter than I remember and minus one girlfriend”. He says that his book party could fit in the coat check of hers. Then he says she looks great. She says she thought he couldn’t come. He says he wanted to say congratulations. THERE IS SEXUAL TENSION. SORRY TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
They part ways and Carrie goes over to Charlotte who is like omg is that the spark guy? And Charlotte says he was very cute. Then Sam lifts up her veil and she’s like there’s clearly something there and then Carrie is like can you please go home hahahahaha. Sam says she will and Carrie says “thank you for being here” and Sam says “honey, I wouldn’t have gone out in public like this for anyone else” and Carrie says “and I have to live with that”. Okay, sorry she LOVES you?!? Carrie admits to Charlotte that she’s lonely.
They are interrupted by Enid who immediately grabs carrie and is like omg why didn’t you tell me you invited CLIFF! And Carrie is like WHO? Anyways, it turns out that Enid’s part-time man is there because he is some sort of fancy rich man that goes to these things or whatever, and he is with his other woman. The lesson is that everybody is “raw and exposed just below the surface” (or so Carrie tells us in VO, you see it ties in the rawness of Sam’s face….poetry).
Back in her car service home, the driver (A GORGEOUS WOMAN) is like so what was the party for! And Carrie says it was actually for her because she wrote a book and the driver is like omg okay where can I take you and Carrie is about to tell her where she lives and the driver is like NO WAY we gotta celebrate.
They go to get hot dogs and the driver is like SHE WROTE A BOOK and he gives them free hot dogs. Carrie gets her OWN door because she is a friend to the working class, I guess. AS she gets into the car (IN THE FRONT!) she spots a loose playing card on the ground. It’s a sign!!!!!!!!
Episode 6: Critical Condition
In VO, Carrie says there are some unpleasant things every New Yorker has to face….including seeing your gay friend’s boyfriend’s in a broadway review. Carrie turns to Stanford and says “I understand the 3 drink minimum” and then Stanford is like oh you’re not enjoying the review and Carrie says she’s more concerned with her book review coming out this week. Then there are some “jokes” about the reviewer’s name — Michiko Kakutani. They make a lot of these jokes about this throughout the episode. It is racist.
Cut to: we’re panning over the bathroom stalls ?? And Carrie is at the counter giggling at some stuff the women in the stalls are saying. Which is that tomorrow they are going to cruise the cute pretzel guy in the park.
Carrie makes a joke and then one of the women looks at her kinda funny and is like “Uhm….Hi….you’re Carrie Bradshaw”. Carrie is like oh do I know you and she says that she recognized her from her column BUT ALSO she went out with Aidan right after her and makes a weird face and leaves.
The next day (???) at brunch, Carrie is telling the girls about the face and Charlotte is like oh maybe it was a spasm or something and Carrie is like no it was a dig at me like oh I ruined Aidan. Miranda, looking very tired and unwell, is like “Fuck that fucking face girl” and they are like oh wow okay….and Miranda starts talking about how Brady won’t sleep and hasn’t slept even though there is NOTHING wrong and she has no time to clean or do laundry or get her hair cut and just then Sam decides to confirmed her haircut at a fancy salon that she’s been waiting for. The rest of the gals are like…………ok…………Miranda is heading out and Charlotte says she will come help and Miranda says she doesn’t have to, but Charlotte has questions about her divorce lawyer. Miranda says he’s good and tough and Charlotte says “but tough enough to beat bunny?!” Carrie is bothered by the face. Sam says she would never leave house if she worried what every bitch in NYC thought of her.
Cut to: Charlotte is with her lawyer and he is “adorable” and “attractive” and so she starts to be weird because she doesn’t want him to think she’s rude or anything but she also really wants to win her apartment. She bursts “TREY GAVE ME THAT APARTMENT!” And then says “sorry I am normally a very refined person”. In VO, Carrie says “Charlotte realized she could never be as ugly as she needed to be in front of a person she considered attractive”. He is not.
JUST THEN….MY MAN HARRY ENTERS!!!! He is kinda brash and also CHARMING, but does not look like the other guy so basically Charlotte switches lawyers.
Over at Sam’s, after a day of relaxing she decides to smoke a joint and masturbate! Unfortunately, her magic wand is broken.
Meanwhile, at Miranda’s, Brady is still crying and she is having a meltdown and I DO NOT BLAME HER! Just then, the doorbell rings and it is her neighbour, Kendall from 4-D, who is like it’s 2:30am the baby needs to stop and Miranda is like look I’m sorry I have a baby and Kendall is like yeah I know I have a baby too, but if you ever bothered to say hi in the elevator you would know that. I’m Kendall, my baby is Aleika, have a good night.
The next morning, Carrie rushes to get a paper and read her review, which is very positive. But there is a line that says the men in Bradshaw’s world are disposable.
She’s on the phone with Miranda and Miranda is like this is a GREAT review. Miranda got a whole hour of sleep! She’s like “I can’t believe I have to go pretend to be a lawyer”. Then Carrie is like I cannot believe I am ranting about this when you have real problems but can I go one for one more minute and then is ranting about how maybe other people think she disposes of men, and that’s probably what the face from that woman meant and then there is silence and it’s because Miranda fell asleep for a minute. Then Carrie is like okay but what about Steve? Why do we never see Steve? And Miranda is like because I keep my distance so I don’t ask him to marry me just to have help. Carrie is like but Steve is friends with Aidan do you think he hates me too? Can you talk to Steve? And then Miranda starts to melt down and is like why don’t you call your girlfriend Samantha, she has all kinds of time! And then Miranda says she is jealous of Sam’s free time but if Sam could maybe just once acknowledge that she’s had a baby that would be nice. Then Miranda immediately feels bad, of course. Then mentions how she pissed off her neighbour and she says “I’m a bad neighbour and a bad mother”. Carrie asks if she can help and Miranda says “that helps, just asking”. THESE WOMEN NEED TO STEP IT UP, MY GOD.
In VO, Carrie says: “After a long day in court, Miranda faced another jury”. Miranda exits the elevator to her building lobby, taking Brady for a walk. A group of building mothers just stare at her which I think is very rude.
Over at City Bakery, Carrie says she will buy Sam dessert if she does her a favour. Sam says she isn’t eating dessert and Carrie is like come on, best brownies in town and so Sam acquiesces. Anyways, Carrie is like okay it’s about Miranda and the baby — we need to be more supportive. Sam is like ugh babies are not my scene. Carrie is like okay well can you just stop by tomorrow and says hey I heard you had a baby, how’s that going? Sam says she has errands — she has to return a vibrator and get her haircut — and Carrie is like omg that’s not errands and Sam is like hey that’s my life leave me alone. Anyways, Carrie is like “she’s our friend, and she’s sinking”. Which moves Sam.
Just then, Carrie spots a Vogue colleague who approaches them. Sam says hello, etc. WHEN WHO IS COMING TO MEET CARRIE’S COWORKER THAN……….NINA KATZ, THE FACE GIRL. They leave. Sam is like how do you know Nina Katz? And Carrie is like how do YOU know Nina Katz? Apparently she’s the booker for SNL, so everybody knows her. Carrie spirals.
The next day, Sam heads to Shaper Image to return her vibrator and the guy is like, that’s a neck massager. And Sam is like……..sure buddy….I need to return it, it has a warranty and it just stopped. He says “perhaps you wore it out”. And she says “well honey, it wouldn’t be first time!” And anyways she goes to get a replacement and ends up guiding other women toward which “neck massagers” would be good for each of them. One of the customers was actually on an earlier season as a talking head about personal ads!
Over at Miranda’s, there is a knock at the door! It’s Kendall, from 4-D. She brought Miranda Aleika’s oscillating chair for Brady to try. She says the chair is a little controversial but she doesn’t give a shit, because it stopped her baby from crying when she was about ready to throw herself off the fire escape. She puts Brady in and turns it on. He stops crying. Miranda is freaking out “the chair is genius!” And Kendall says something about the vibrations and how babies like it. Kendall is like how come you don’t know about this? Your girlfriends don’t have babies? And Miranda says “no I’m the only one” and Kendall says “oh then you’re screwed” hahaha it’s very funny. It’s great stuff. But also that’s 2 (!) episodes in a row where a Black woman is the one who helps the white lady. Sigh.
Later, there is another knock at Miranda’s door and it’s Sam telling her that now Miranda is Sam and she is going to take Sam’s place at her haircut appointment.
Miranda says not to take Brady out of the chair and also “don’t call boys”. Sam approaches Brady and is like “oh you don’t look so bad” BUT THEN THE CHAIR STOPS and he immediately starts crying.
Across town, Carrie is hanging out, eating cherries and watching TV when she sees Nina Katz on the SNL credits and calls Sam to be like omg do you think she tells random SNL guests that I suck?? “Like Ian McKellen or Gwyneth Paltrow?” And Sam is like wtf are you talking about?
Carrie hears the baby and asks if Sam is at the zoo and Sam says no she’s babysitting and sent Miranda to get her haircut and Carrie is like so he’s not hungry or tired or wet? And Sam says no, and then Carrie says “I don’t know what his problem is” and Sam says “his problem is he’s an asshole”. Then Sam goes to hang up and Carrie is like nooo I need help and Sam is like, maybe Charlotte has this kinda time!!!!! BYE!!!
Miranda comes home, looking refreshed, and Sam is sitting with a martini watching the baby. She tells Miranda that the chair broke and Miranda starts freaking out but then…..
Sam put the new “back massager” on the chair so the vibration continues. Miranda bends down and says “that better be brand new”.
Over at Charlotte’s divorce meeting, Bunny and her lawyer are on one side, while Charlotte and Harry are on another. Trey is out of town, so….here we are. Is this legal?
Anyways, Bunny is shaming Charlotte about how Charlotte broke their vow and hurt Trey etc. Charlotte is TIRED, she worked very hard on this marriage and just ugh. All she want is the apartment. Just then: Trey sent a telegram from Scotland basically saying, Charlotte was amazing and a great wife, give her whatever she wants, seriously mother, stop. Harry puts some mustard on it as he reads. My man!!!!!! They decide that yes, Charlotte can just have the apartment.
Charlotte apologizes to Bunny on the way out. She has a few tears. Harry goes to Charlotte and says “ding dong the witch is dead”. Charlotte laughs.
Across town, Carrie is talking to Steve on her stoop. He asks if she invited him over to talk about Miranda, am I coming around too much? And Carrie is like, okay so how does Aidan feel about me? And Steve is like…..omg please are you gonna try to get back together with him? And Carrie is like okay well that tells me how YOU feel about me? Anyways, Steve says yeah, he was fucking heartbroken and couldn’t get out of bed for a month and it was BAD. NO DUH! Steve isn’t trying to make her feel bad, but he was devastated “and he lost his ability to open up and trust women”. Which Carrie kinda mocks. Steve says HE didn’t tell me that because men don’t talk (his words), but the next girl he dated, Nina, told him.
Cut to: Carrie, in another silly outfit which I will discuss in a moment, is at the park with Stanford trying to find Nina (recall she overheard Nina say they were gonna cruise the cute pretzel guy) so that Carrie can tell her side of the story. Stanford asks what she thinks about Marcus and she says “nice” and then continues on about herself. Stanford interrupts her and is like listen, I have heard you talk about Aidan for years and I ask you about Marcus and I get “nice”. He says that her opinion matters to him and he wants her to tell him what she thinks. CARRIE BE A FUCKIN FRIEND!!!
A moment for this: okay you might be like, this outfit is fine. And sure, it’s fine — but it’s also goofy because it does not at all do what it was intended to do, i.e. hide SJP’s baby bump. In fact, the Birkin she’s carrying is not a real Birkin. They offered to get one, but SJP said there was no need, so they made a fake Birkin that they hoped would be big enough to disguise the bump. It did not do a good job.
JUST THEN, they DO run into Nina who happens to be with Heather Graham, who also makes THE FACE upon learning who Carrie is Lolololololol. Anyways, Carrie tries to talk to Nina alone and basically is like break ups are awful and private and I loved Aidan and I tried really hard to not hurt him. Nina is like “kay”. Because she doesn’t CARE!!!!!!!!! Then Carrie departs.
The lesson is that “it’s the reviews you give yourself that matter”.
Episode 7: The Big Journey
Yeah, you already know from the episode title……here we fuckin go.
We open with a classic Carrie VO: “One night, four ladies in the East met at Compass to discuss going West”. WORDPLAY!!!
Carrie tells the gals she has to go to San Francisco on a book tour and Sam is like you wouldn’t go to the Upper West Side and suddenly you’ll go to San Francisco. Carrie says she has to, apparently she is big in San Francisco and Miranda says “you mean BIG is in San Francisco”. Carrie is like fine okay I need to have sex it has been too long.
Miranda says she can have sex here, there are men everywhere, and then points out some men who have been looking at them — Sam is unimpressed and says the men are boring and the food is boring and Charlotte is all oh I love the food here and Sam is like ugh it’s the same old, same old. She is bored and says that they should change the name of New York to Same York.
As Carrie laments wanting to have sex and Sam complains about all the men being the same, Miranda says it’s times like these that she wishes women could go to “male prostitutes” ……You can?? Pick up the phone???? Charlotte then says her usual stuff about needing connection because women can’t just have sex with anybody, blah blah. Carrie says no, Big is her male prostitute and just at rain ride away — she is going to TRAIN from NEW YORK to SAN FRANCISCO because suddenly she does not like flying and “seeing the National Guard going through [her] makeup” something something. She asks Sam to come, because Sam is the only one bored enough to come. It will be very Some Like it Hot, says Carrie. It will not.
Back home, Carrie is doing her writing, in front of a mirror, drinking a martini. In this scene, is the writing a metaphor for masturbation or?
Next, we’re with Sam and Carrie at the train station and Carrie says she did not tell Big she was coming. Also she thinks she’s getting a zit. Sam wonders if she can survive the train for three days. They are all giddy about first-class deluxe sleeper berths. They REALLY think it’s going to be like a movie. I don’t know why they didn’t just FLY!!!! Carrie, you flew to LA like two seasons ago!!!
Elsewhere, Charlotte is at home when the doorbell rings and it is a very sweaty Harry. He says “do you know how much we’d charge to have a carrier come drop these off?” And so she’s like “so a partner personally delivers my divorce papers?” And then he says he needed the walk. She was gong to work out but she’s like, come on. He says “this is the pagoda we’ve been fighting over” and she says yes but she might sell and he’s like after all that? And she says it’s too big for one person and so they start chatting about her getting a new place and he says he has a place he could show her but it’s a bachelor pad and she says that this apartment used to be where plaid went to die, so she can transform anything.
She’s signing and Harry sweats onto the paper. So she gives him some tissue and it sticks to his forehead.
After she signs, he says “you are no longer Mrs. Trey MacDougal” and she says, kinda quietly, “hmmm, how do you like that” more to herself than anything and he goes “I like it”. I BET YOU DO, HARRY!!!!!
Back on the train, Sam and Carrie are going for “a classic train dinner in the club car”. They are, once again, disappointed that there is no Bing Crosby singing at a piano and white linen tablecloths. They are told to just sit anywhere that’s open. They end up next to an Amish couple. CLASSIC COMEDY!
Sam starts saying to Carrie that ugly people keep getting on the train while good looking people get off. They are “whispering” about being horny. The amish woman gives them a look. Carrie’s zit is growing. They order martinis and Carrie goes “oh god I need a big ole drink” and apologizes to the amish woman again lol.
Back in the city, Harry is showing Charlotte the bachelor apartment his friend has (it’s not a bachelor in terms of the size but like, it’s decorated very tacky). Harry stayed there when he was going through his divorce, so he knows his way around. Charlotte is like wow this place is tacky. He shows her the blinds that can close with a remote and puts on some music.
Then Charlotte says “I can’t believe men think this is what it takes to get a woman into bed” and then he goes “what does it take?” AND LISTEN, YEAH I KNOW THIS IS VERY UNETHICAL AND INAPPROPRIATE BECAUSE HE IS HER LAWYER BUT……..I love Harry. He says that he thinks Charlotte is the sexiest woman he’s ever met, and she’s like “don’t be ridiculous I’m wearing my glasses!” And he says that Trey must’ve been a putz to let her go and all the tension and eye contact leads to doing sex.
Back on the train, Carrie is in her little cart calling Miranda and complaining. Sam emerges with very messy hair. She says that rumour has it a bachelor party got on board and they have to go to the bar car. Where did she hear this? Who was she gossiping on the train with?
Meanwhile, Charlotte is at the gay bar with Anthony. She’s like omg how can you end up having sex with somebody you don’t like? And Anthony is very excited about this. He says that he’s had some amazing sex with people he’s not even into. Charlotte says there was all this leather and music and Anthony goes “Leather, I get it”. But the sex was amazing, so there’s that….and Anthony is so excited HAHAHAH. Charlotte is asking him how to set up a “just sex” situation. Charlotte says “isn’t that rude” and he says “no, it’s hot”. She also says Harry is sweaty and pushy (true) and she is not attracted to him (a lie). Whatever you gotta tell yourself, babe.
Sam and Carrie roll up to the dining car and the men are not interested HAHAHAHAHAHAH. In VO, Carrie says “and just like that…we went from Some Like it Hot to some like us not”. As Sam is pouring herself a drink, Carrie asks the group of men what the deal is and they say they are all married except the one friend. She asks if one of them could just flirt with Sam a little. But they promised their wives they would “be good”. Carrie goes back to Sam and says “they love their wives”. Is that really what you got from that, Carrie?????? That they LOVE their wives??????
Back in Carrie’s car, Sam is drinking more but is very drunk already. Carrie is trying to pop her zit. Sam is like ugh what do I do to get past this weird slump I’m in and is drunk rambling — mid-life crisis, should she get a sports car, no parking in NYC is a nightmare, you get it—Carrie pops the zit. Sam says they should celebrate with more champagne.
Now we’re with them at the bookstore and Molly Shannon is there — CARRIE WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE THE FREE FLIGHT FROM YOUR PUBLISHERS, YOU FOOL — there is a big crowd and Carrie is all excited but…..Lily (Molly Shannon) says it’s also because there is Mr. Winkle, a famous dog. Sam says she needs a long bath and Carrie is like omg leave this is a mess, I promise it’s fine. Carrie says she will meet up with her later, and isn’t going to bother calling Big.
Carrie has a funny comedy moment with the dog that might be a puppet?
Next, Carrie is doing her ‘reading’. She asks if anybody has a question and somebody asks when Mr. Winkle is coming out. Then there is one more question and IT’S BIG!! He says “this Mr. Big character, does he have a real name?”. She says “yes, but I can’t reveal it. I have to protect his privacy”.
Cut to: Carrie is running into the hotel room and screaming SAMANTHA!!!! And busts in on her bath and says Big is here and she NEEDS TO GET LAID. She got Sam a smaller room and Sam is like, I cannot be in another small room. But of course it’s not THAT small, Sam. Anyways she gets up outta her bath and says fine but Carrie better fuck Big good lol.
Later, Big comes up and Carrie is in a black dress and he says “did you hide the body?” And she’s like “what body?” And he says “whatever you needed to do that kept me wandering around the hotel gift shop for half an hour”. He got her some gum. She’s trying to be sexy, I think? But it’s not translating. He says “nice digs, this will set your publisher back” and she says “yeah” then “you look good” and he says “you too, kid”. Then she pounces on him to start kissing and he chokes on his gum. He’s like “you surprised me”. Then she kisses him again and he says “we have to go! Dinner reservations” he promised his partners he’d make a vineyard connection with the hotel owners. He wants to catch up, too. Talk.
At dinner, he says that he was walking through a mall and saw her book. She’s like, wow you were at a mall? And he says he lives in America now and you have to go through them to get outside. Anyways, he bought the book and read it all cover to cover on his porch. She asks what he thinks. He says “I didn’t realize how much I hurt you”. Carrie is like, you’ve read my columns? And he says, yeah but not one after another. I really see how I hurt you. And she keeps saying it’s fiction, and he’s like “No Carrie, some of that stuff actually happened”. And she’s like no but I embellish and it’s all in the past! She tries to change the subject and Big asks if he really was that big of an asshole about his apartment key. YES, YOU WERE.
Over in the hotel room, Big is reading from the book and asking her if he’s really cold (yes) and she says “no you’re hot”. She’s like omg can we just fuck (in different words) and he says “I don’t want you to get hurt” and she says it’s just sex and he says “according to this book it’s not just sex!”. Then she says that what happened in New York is her fault because she didn’t ignored all his signs, etc.
Big continues to stress out about it all and she’s like dude I am FINE PLEASE LET’S HAVE SEX. He wants to keep talking.
Back in New York, Charlotte and Harry are post-coital and he says “I love making love to you” and Charlotte says “no, that was not love that was just sex”. Harry is saying nice things to her and you can tell she’s flattered and then says “and you…have a hard dick. Not put your pants on and go. Is that okay?” And he says “whatever you say!”. He asks her to go to dinner on Saturday and she says “hey, this is just sex. We’re not a couple, you’re just a great fuck. Is that clear?” And he says “clear!”.
Btw they show Harry’s back and it is clearly like glued-on hair which is fine but lol.
The next morning, Carrie gets her wakeup call rom the hotel and the dialogue is very odd. She asks what time it is. The person says 7:30. She asks what time she asked for her wakeup call. The person says 7:30. Anyways, Big is asleep next to her and he’s finally like fuck it, you’ll need material for the sequel. So they do sex.
This is overlayed with Carrie doing another reading. Maybe it’s supposed to be moving? Not sure, but anyways this group actually claps. Then she’s signing some copies and Sam arrives “luggage in the car, car at the curb”. She asks how it went with Big, and Carrie says they had sex but it was not as simple as she hoped. She’ll tell her the rest on the train. Sam says “train? Get real” and pulls out two tickets “American Airlines, first class, and some Valium” HAHAHA. Sam says “I can’t wait to get to New York” and Carrie says “what about the mid-life crisis?” And Sam says, “honey, who’s mid-life?” GET ‘EM.
Episode 8: I Love a Charade
OH A GREAT EPISODE! With an absolutely bizarre premise, the motivation behind I have never looked into. But I probably wouldn’t be impressed if I did because there are lot of things that Michael Patrick King needs to answer for!! But I digress — clearly I am part of the problem!!
We open with the gals at a piano bar lounge, where their friend Bobby Fine (NATHAN LANE!!!) is playing. He gives Carrie a shoutout!
Later, he’s over at their table and they’re asking how long Carrie and Bobby have known one another and he says Cats was just kittens. Charlotte says she loved Cats. YIKES. Then Carrie says it hasn’t been that long but Bobby says “please, when we met you did aerobics and Stanford had hair!”.
Just then, a tall blonde woman arrives. Her name is Bitsy Von Muffling (COME ON!!!). Bobby greets her and there is some more banter. Bitsy and Sam know one another from Sam working her event. Bitsy says she is getting married, a big big Hamptons wedding. They ask who the lucky man is and Bobby says “ME!”. Carrie laughs, very loudly, and alone.
When Bobby and Bitsy leave, the girls are like omg isn’t he gay? And Miranda quotes him “Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle….that has to be the gayest sentence ever uttered”. They are speculating why he would be marrying her, maybe for money? Carrie says he doesn’t need the money, he was one of the original investors in A Chorus Line. Miranda says that’s a gayer sentence. Okay, Miranda, you’d know???
Carrie says that this wedding will never happen because Bobby always says he’s going to do things. Cut to: the gals at brunch, Carrie holding her invitation — “it’s happening!’”. Sam is more concerned about where in the Hamptons they will stay. But they can stay with Marcus and Stanford.
Charlotte says that Bitsy says her and Bobby are really in love. Miranda goes on a rant about how the love is the most offence part, because why not just admit that they are lonely or getting old and don’t wanna just not be alone. Shut up, Miranda!! Carrie is like “okay, let’s say it’s companionship…how do you sustain a relationship without the zsa-zsa-zu” i.e. the butterflies and what not. Zsa-zsa-zu is the theme of the episode.
After some more meanness, Charlotte says “I’m seeing somebody…sort of” and Carrie says “YOU’RE in a sort-of relationship??”. Charlotte says that he’s bald and loud and I never want be in public with him and his name is Harry and he IS harry. And then Sam asks omg is the sex bad too? And Charlotte says “it’s the best sex of my life. I think I might really like him”. That’s right, Charlotte!!!!
Cut to: Charlotte and Harry are in bed eating pizza. He invites her to a wedding….and it’s the wedding she’s already going to! He has a house in Bridgehampton. She says she isn’t ready for “swimsuit season”. He goes “are you kidding me, you’re a fucking knock out” and she says, it’s you, it’s your back — too harry. He’s like, what am I supposed to do?! SO basically he will get it waxed if she goes to the wedding with him. Then he starts grabbing her for kisses and she’s like ahhh your fingers are greasy but they start laughing together.
Another day, another Sam power move: she calls Richard and says she’s having a party at his house in The Hamptons and it’s what he owes her after all she went through LOL.
Over at Miranda’s, she arrives home from work and Steve is there laying in bed — he was looking after the baby. He says he’s going to give Brady another bottle before he leaves because since t it used to be all breast, he likes this bottle thing. Hahahaha. Miranda notices a vase of lilacs on the bedside table and she asks if Magda brought them and he says no, he did, from Ma’s garden in queens. They start doing sex.
Cut to: the gals are on their road trip to The Hamptons and she confesses that she had sex with Steve. Carrie says “so that’s why you agreed to participate in the charade — you’re fleeing!”. Miranda has the baby with her. Carrie is bugging her about it all, because friends. Sam is on the phone scheduling party things for the house that isn’t hers. She says that the gals are still invited but the baby isn’t hahahahahahhaaha okay Sam.
Carrie gets up to get more ketchup when a man on a motorcycle pulls up and…it’s Berger!! He’s like “Carrie?” And he introduces himself again and she says “I remember”. He helps her with the ketchup all over her hand. She says she didn’t peg him for a motorcycle guy, and he says “I’m not…it was a reaction to my breakup”. THEN HE WIPES KETCHUP FROM HER LIP WITH HIS THUMB…….she says he looks good on it and he says “no, I look like this” and does like a little pose with clenched teeth. Anyways, he does more of his jokes and she invites him to the party Sam is throwing, if he happens to make it to the Hamptons.
Another day (???). Sam is at Richard’s house setting up for the party when a trio of young ladies shows up and Sam thinks they are wait staff and they’re like yeah no and ask where Richard is and that he says they can hang whenever they want, so here they are. Later, Sam is looking FABULOUS. Miranda and baby Brady arrive. Miranda says “I know you didn’t want any babies, but he’s wearing Ralph Lauren” lol Sam says “this is supposed to be an A-list party” and Carrie says “then who is double D list over by the pool”. Sam explains who the girls are.
Charlotte and Harry are over by the pool, and Charlotte is scoffing at the girls who now have their tits out. Harry says “greetings from Silicon Valley!” And Charlotte is like omg people can hear you and he says listen, everybody knows those tits are fake. Then she asks why he is wearing the shirt he is wearing because “tropical is out” and he says “it’s not tropical it’s tiki” and she says ”well please tiki it off”. THAT’S RIGHT, CHARLOTTE. MAKE YOUR LITTLE JOKE. Then we see that his back had a very had reaction to the wax and it looks PAINFUL.
Carrie and Stanford are sitting with Bitsy and Bobby. Bitsy is talking about how good the sex is. And Bobby says “oh Miss Scarlett you do go on!”. Then Marcus arrives in his speedo and Bobby starts making comments about Marcus’s body and then mimes grated cheese on Marcus’s abs.
After Bobby and Bitsy leave, Stanford says that it is so obvious Bobby wants Marcus and Carrie says “try to keep up, Bobby is straight” and then again, oh what is Betsy doing blah blah, and Marcus says “maybe he just makes her laugh” and he is being genuine so Carrie and Stanford sit with that.
Back with Charlotte and Harry, they are getting food from the buffet tables and Charlotte is like, why can’t you wait to sit down and eat it’s so crass and he’s like “is there anything about me that doesn’t bug you today?” And she says “well people are trying to eat you should have your shirt on…and you have sauce on your face”. And then he kisses her and says “now so do you” and she is smiling so big I could cry.
Sam and Carrie are chatting in the kitchen and talking about how it’s crazy that Bitsy said the sex was amazing whatever whatever — Sam asks if she thinks Richard ever slept with one of the “cocoa butter bitches”, and then Carrie spots Berger and is freaking out if she looks okay. Sam takes a silver tray that had fruit on it and uses it as a mirror.
Then we’re with Carrie and Berger sitting on the grass having a chat. They start talking about their most recent break-ups. It’s all fun and fine. And then Carrie keeps going and going and going and Berger is looking at her like “oh………..”. It’s now awkward and he excuses himself to go back home. She was sitting on his jacket so he awkwardly pulls it from under her. WOOF.
In VO, Carrie says “the man could not get away from me fast enough. Apparently it’s a short road from commisery to misery”.
The “cocoa butter bitches” are in the kitchen and Sam is like, this is MY food I paid for all of this!!! Then she says “the only thing at this party that you paid for are your breasts”. One says “you jealous?” And Sam grabs two melons and says yeah I’m just dying to look like “this” and then one of the gals says “well maybe if you did you’d be out here WITH Richard”. Sam throws a cantaloupe and it smashes the window.
The next morning, Marcus and Stanford are playing with Brady while Miranda and Carrie have brunch. They are in love with the food and the table settings and Miranda says “maybe we should marry gay guys” and Carrie says maybe she won’t have a choice anymore and Miranda wonders if it was THAT bad with Berger lol. Carrie says she was “emotionally slutty”. And Miranda says that’s not like her, to which Carrie says “it wasn’t me, it was the zsa-zsa-zu!”. Then Carrie says oh maybe Bitsy Von Muffling-Fine has the right idea, and they should all settle for a fine relationship.
Miranda goes to get more coffee and then Stanford walks up and blah blah Carrie says wow you did it Staney, you got the love and the house, and Stanford says they haven’t had sex since they bought the Cynthia Rowley china. Carrie says “oh thank GOD”. Ok?????????
Cut to: they are watching the wedding vows and mumbling little jokes (Harry gets it on it and you can tell they are impressed he made a pun and joined in). But as the vows get more earnest, they are all slightly moved.
It’s evening, and the dancing has begun. Harry is gesturing Charlotte over. Carrie says “looks like somebody is about to dance” and Miranda says “I think you sold this one a little short”. Carrie says “me too” and then something about the right astringent. Then Harry approaches and says “there’s nothing on my face or in my teeth you might hate my dance moves but that’s a chance every man must take”. Charlotte gets up to go dance. Listen, they are in love already okay??
Carrie says that she blew her only chance at a boyfriend this year and then Miranda says “do you wanna hold my boyfriend” and Carrie says no she will just drown her sorrows in another piece of cake and if anybody asks she had two, not three. Miranda spots some lilacs in the centrepiece and goes to call Steve. She gets voicemail and you can tell she panics and so she hangs up. But it’s a cute moment with her baby.
Carrie is eating cake when Bobby walks up behind her and says “do you believe this wedding?”. She turns around. He says, it’s funny how time flies and how they used to go to these things for the food. Carrie says she has dinner rolls in her purse. Then Bobby spots Betsy and says “this is my song…and that’s my girl. Whom I love…in case you had any money riding on it”. Carrie says “not a penny”. Liar.
Sam is at the bar and Miranda walks up and says “careful, she’s got a piece of fruit and she’s not afraid to use it!”. Sam says that she doesn’t want to talk about it and Miranda says “fine but we’ll be the only ones”. They have a nice friendship moment where Sam asks what you call “zsa-zsa-zu gone bad” and Miranda says “zsa-zsa-eww”.
We see the couples dancing, and Bobby and Bitsy are talking about the creme brulee not being hard enough on the top. Then Stanford and Marcus make a joke amongst themselves about how that isn’t the real problem with not being hard enough i.e. Bobby is gay. Then…..Berger shows up behind Carrie. He says he isn’t crashing, but that he was having lunch in town today and for some reason the groom invited him.
Charlotte and Harry are dancing and Charlotte says “I think I may be falling in love with you” and Harry says “I’ve been falling in love with you since the moment we met”. This is when we learn that Harry has to marry a Jewish girl. Charlotte is like “she can marry a gay guy and you can’t marry an Episcopalian?2 What do we do now?”. In VO, Carrie says “apparently, Charlotte had the zsa-zsa-jew”. Okay.
Carrie and Berger are dancing and Berger says “you’re awfully quiet” and Carrie says “I intend to stay that way”. Berger says no, you were fine, I just wasn’t sure if I can do all that again…but then I thought why don’t we go on a date before we break up.
Sam is dancing with Miranda and baby Brady and that tiny moment could make me cry because I love friendship.
The season ends with a classic Carrie VO: “when it comes to relationships maybe we’re all in glass houses and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know…Some people are settling down…some people are settling…and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies”.
We see a butterfly land on some lilacs. End of season. I love this show, I simply cannot help myself. Season 6a & 6b are going to take us on a wild ride, and I for one am thrilled to inch closer and closer to The Movie.
but also, I feel weird about babies on screen sometimes? Who is like “I should make my literal infant an actor” ??????
I have never, and will never, care to understand how there are like 179203822 flavours of Christianity and white people are SO specific about it.