Harry's Return, Smith's Re-Brand, and That F*cking Post-It Note
SATC Season 6(a) Episodes 2-7
After a whirlwind premiere episode — Aidan!! — it’s time to dive into the next six episodes of 6a. It’s going to an infuriating journey because Berger is a villain.
Episode 2: Great Sexpectations
Carrie and Berger are on a date. She’s eating a burger. She does a burger/Berger pun in VO. They’re having a nice time. It’s a montage! Now they’re at Bed, Bath and Beyond and doing kisses.
Then they’re at a restaurant doing heavy kissing and they are the last ones there…LET THE WAIT STAFF GO HOME?!? In VO Carrie says “I couldn’t wait either, I wanted Berger in my bed bath and beyond…immediately”. Cut to: they are doing sex and it is……..very awkward and quiet and awkward. You get the episode title now, you know?
The next time, Sam is dragging the gals to a restaurant called RAW — it’s a vegan, non-dairy restaurant (nothing cooked over 118 degrees). Miranda is like: “people! The emperor has no oven!! Why are we doing this!” Carrie yawns and Sam is like oooh did you finally bugger Berger and Charlotte claps because “it was their first time and [Carrie] really likes him”. As they get to their table, Carrie spills that it was awkward and uncomfortable and how their kisses are great and all their dates have so much chemistry but for some reason it didn’t translate.
AND HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO: Smith is their waiter!!!! And of course, Sam is immediately doing innuendo. Miranda says she’s going to need a pizza after this and Sam says she’s gonna need a napkin to dry off her seat because the waiter was hot. Miranda sips her soup and says “but the soup is not”. Charlotte then announces that she has some exciting news and she doesn’t want any bad reactions. This is when she tells them that she is converting to Judaism. Miranda says nothing but Charlotte says “I can feel you reacting!”. And Charlotte is talking about how she loves Harry and he makes her happy and he’s honest and she can be herself around him and Miranda says “but yourself is Episcopalian” and Charlotte says that’s its still the best sex of her life. WE HAVE NEVER SEEN CHARLOTTE GO TO CHURCH SO?? What even is an Episcopalian!
Miranda and Carrie are now having pizza (and it looks so good and omg I want pizza) and Miranda is stalking about having a TiVo1 and this BBC show she’s obsessed with. It descends into the ‘bad sex’ conversation again Miranda is like, don’t worry it’s the first time. Carrie says she thought it was going to be AMAZINGGG and Miranda’s like well maybe your expectations were too high and we should be honest that sometimes first sex is awkward or whatever.
Carrie, back home and post-shower, is doing her writing and posits that maybe after your 30s you shouldn’t call it dating but “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. And then she writes: “if it’s not the sex between me and you, then someone has to become a Jew. Why is it always something?”. Because people??? Exist??? But also??? WHAT?
Cut to: Miranda is back home and Carrie’s VO says “unless you’re in a problem free relationship with TiVo”. She’s watching her show, Jules & Mimi. (No, it’s not about lesbians. Jules is a man).
The next day, Charlotte goes to the Synagogue. She knocks on the rabbi’s office door and says she wants to join the Jewish faith and he says “we’re not interested”. She knocks again, and somebody else answers and she says she wants to report a rude man and how her name is Charlotte and she wants to become Jewish and this person also closes the door.
Over at Charlotte’s, she’s telling Harry about this and he is saying how much he loves her and that she’s sexy. THAT’S RIGHT, HARRY!!! Then he tells her that this is part of it, and they reject you three times at least and then Charlotte is like OOOUH HARD TO GET?? I can play THAT game!!! Back at Miranda’s, she’s excited to watch her TV show and Magda says that she did something bad and….she may have accidentally erased all the TiVo stuff. OOPS.
Across town, Carrie is in bed willing Berger to call her and…HE DOES. He says some jokes per usual. They are doing phone flirting and then he comes over and YES it is awkward again.
Carrie and Samantha are shopping for lingerie and Sam tells the sales person that she wants something that will make a man cum immediately and Carrie is like “you talk to sales people like that?” And Sam says “they love me here, I come here all the time!”. Then yes, they are talking about the whole bad sex thing and Sam is like, honey you cannot talk to him about this and Carrie insists that she can, and Sam says the only talking in bed should be dirty talking and Carrie says she can’t do that without alcohol and Sam is like okay babe drink up. Then she tells Carrie to buy some lingerie and holds up some fuzzy shoes and Carrie says “I don’t wear fuzzy shoes” A FUCKIN LIE?? And then Carrie is like please can I just talk to him and she says no and then Carrie is spiralling that maybe Berger thinks it’s good sex?! A mess. JUST TALK TO HIM!!!!!!
Back at Miranda’s, she is yelling at the TiVo tech support and then immediately apologizes. The running joke here is that the TiVo is Miranda’s boyfriend so…yeah.
Friday night and Carrie says she has her sexy lingerie under her dress. She tells Berger “you look so hot in that shirt” and he goes “are you being serious?”. Her bra is kinda visible in her v-neck and she is REALLLLYYYYY leaning into it and it’s awkward, not sexy. It’s just….babes you shouldn’t have to work this hard!!!
Charlotte is making a house call to the rabbi….BOLD??? She brought some kosher wine. He closes the door. Then his wife answers and says he cannot see her right now and Charlotte barges in and says that she’s 37, reproductively challenged, she’s in love with a Jewish person and it took her 20 years to find him and she doesn’t have time to play these games! The Rabbi exchanges looks with his wife and then says “okay, Charlotte, but you’ve got to give it a rest because it’s about to be the Sabbath, the day of rest”. He says to sit down and watch and learn. She’s like oh I’m supposed to meet…and then no, she sits down. Then her phone rings. She turns it off. Hahahahahahaha I love Charlotte.
Sam is back at RAW so she can hit on her waiter. He is there and it turns out his section is FULL of women because everybody wants to hit on him. In VO Carrie says that Sam realized the women “weren’t there for the cold food, they were there for the hot waiter” because we gotta keep this cold/hot joke running, I guess.
Miranda rushes home late and Steve is with Brady. She’s apologizing and then asks if the TiVo guy came and Steve says they called and had to reschedule for a week from Thursday. Steve says he fixed it and Miranda is like “I LOVE YOU........for fixing that….” And Steve is very casual and calm about it because he doesn’t think it means anything and then says he has to go, and Miranda jokes “hot date?” and he goes “yeah I got a dinner thing” and leaves.
Sam is in a stand-off with all the other women in Smith’s section and this one broad in particular. Sam removes a button on her blouse. Then the other broad zips her top down a bit. Y’all are kinda sexually harassing him??? Anyways, Sam approaches her opponent and is like you put up a good fight but you have no idea who you’re dealing with so why don’t I buy your dinner and we’ll call it a night. The woman agrees hahahahah.
Later, Carrie is stumbling out of a cab with Berger. In VO, she says she’s confident she can heat up her sex life because she’s a sex columnist! But also she’s drunk. And so is Berger. This is not a good plan. It does not go well.
After a night of raw food, Sam enjoyed an all-nighter of raw sex (says Carrie). I don’t know if this is just a joke that means nothing or if it means they were raw-dogging…which the show has already established Sam does NOT do. So, idk pals. Then we are treated to a montage of goofy sex positions while Kim Cattrall does the goofy sex noises they force Sam to do throughout the whole show (honestly, they border on camp!). Then the next morning, Smith tells her that she didn’t have to order all that shit, he was ready to go home with her last Tuesday. HELL YEAH.
The next morning, Carrie and Berger wake up, fully clothed, asleep on top of the bed IN THEIR OUTSIDE CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!2 They start kissing and then they finally just USE THEIR WORDS LIKE ADULTS. Berger is like ugh this is awful and I’m not trying to toot my own horn but I’ve been told I’m good at this (I DOUBT THAT). What’s going on! And Carrie is like, I know it’s ridiculous and Berger is like, would you look at us in restaurants?! We’re the couple you want to be! So he says they need to make the bed more like a restaurant and he grabs salt and pepper shakes. She has the fuzzy shoes. He asks if it’s a pet.
Then she’s like what if we’re not good together in bed and he’s like I choked, I don’t know, I thought it would be so amazing and I’m sorry I don’t know what’s going on and then the next time I came over and Carrie interrupts “I choked”. And Berger says “we should be smokin’ not chokin’”. He says “I was gonna talk to you about it but…” and Carrie says “I was going to as well” and then they promise to talk…………and they start finally doing good kissing.
So….yeah. They don’t actually resolve anything. But I guess they do sex.
Episode 3: The Perfect Present
We open with Carrie, lob straightened, headed to see Berger’s apartment for the first time. And voila, it’s cute! And very clean. Berger is like “you were expecting…?” And she says she’s seen it all. It’s like a bachelor with a den?? But also it’s got a separate kitchen? I wonder what that costs now….
Carrie compliments the wall colour and he says it was his ex-girlfriend’s choice, she was the decorator. Berger is like oh should I not have said that? Then Carrie says please we all have a “decorator” (she uses air quotes) and that there’s no need for the ex-decorator conversation.
When they’re going to sleep, Berger turns on a sound machine which is….rainforest sounds including frogs, cicadas, and birds. Carrie is like OH I feel like I’m camping…and I hate camping. Then she mumbles “I always wondered who bought those” and we learn that it was a gift from Lauren, his ex, because he used to toss and turn and it was Lauren’s therapist suggestion and she always did what her therapist said and….then Carrie cuts him off BAHAHAHAH.
It’s Friday night and the gals are heading to an event hosted by an old friend who tried to kill herself via Advil?? Anyways, IT’S JENNIFER COOLIDGE!!! She’s having a purse party because she got dumped and she’s channeling it into designing purses.
They are judging the bags, obviously. Carrie tells the gals that she is learning about Berger’s ex and she’s like ugh it’s too soon and Charlotte says no it isn’t, and it’s good to know what happened etc. Carrie says she hopes they never had to do this, is that crazy? To which Sam replies “no…here comes crazy” and Coolidge walks up with another purse.
Smith is there as a cater waiter!!!!! Sam says he was the best sex she’d had in years. She goes to flirt. Miranda tells Carrie and Charlotte that they need to leave in time for their dinner rez and Charlotte says that’s fine but remember I have conversion class at 9am! And they she does her first ‘oy!” And she’s happy about it. Very cute.
Cut to: Sam and Smith are doing sex in a hallway against the catering supplies and Jennifer Coolidge finds them and says “I’m way too fucking fragile for this” and then goes back to the party and starts throwing stuff around and ripping purses out of people’s hands. It’s no good for her character’s stability…but it is very funny!!!!
The next day, Charlotte is in her conversion class and of course she’s raising her hand and answering all the questions. Kind of like that episode of Friends where Monica takes a class with Phoebe, only 1 billion times less annoying. It is then that the Rabbi says they have to leave their Christian traditions in the past, including Christmas. After class, Charlotte asks him about it and Rabbi Minsch says no you have to let it all go. In VO, Carrie says “Charlotte would always think of him as the Minsch who stole Christmas”. Woof.
Over at Miranda’s, Steve is late to get Brady. Debbie (his new gf) had car trouble. Miranda has an appointment so she’s a bit grumpy. And of course mad about the girlfriend but that’s subtext.
It’s nighttime and Carrie is asleep when she gets a call from….Big. He’s calling to do phone sex, so that’s what it becomes. Cut to brunch the next morning and Carrie says she had “accidental phone sex with Big”. But then says “he had phone sex…I tried to politely get out of it”. I…….okay. Miranda says she wasn’t aware they had phone sex and she says occasionally, although it’s more like memory lane. Charlotte is like oh you gotta put it off when you are in a new relationship. Carrie says her and Berger are not in a serious relationship yet, and Charlotte is like no you gotta let go of all that baggage, which Carrie then calls “Bigagge.”
Miranda starts going through her diaper bag to grab something and finds a strip of condoms….which baby Brady starts trying to eat hahaha. Back at home, Carrie is doing her writing about “can you get to a future if your past is present?”. Past is prologue, CARRIE.
Over at Sam’s, Smith is leaving and Sam wants him to stay. But he has to work because he got fired from the catering gig after they got caught doing sex. Sam says she feels bad and gives him some money — it’s $300. She says she made some calls and that’s what the A-list caterers make, and then he says “lady, you are out of your fucking mind” and leaves.3
Carrie is at Berger’s having coffee and reading the paper. He’s heading out to a standing breakfast date with some writer buds, it’s 9:30am so he decides not to answer the phone when it rings. So we get to hear Lauren leave a message…..to which Berger goes “FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU” while flipping off the answering machine.
Cut to: Carrie and Sam are walking together and Carrie is like ugh you don’t want them to be in love but you also don’t want them to be that angry. Sam doesn’t see the big deal so Carrie is like, well what happened why is he still mad, is he just an angry guy? Sam tells her about paying Smith, and Carrie is like….well “that’s a prostitute” and then Sam says “at least it’s not phone sex” and Carrie says “HE called ME!”
Back at Miranda’s, Steve is there to pick up Brady when Miranda is like “just making sure he has everything….” and starts facetiously picking up things from the baby bag and then….the condoms! She says “I’m not thrilled our baby is having sex but I’m glad he’s using protection”. Then Miranda is like, it’s fucked up that they were in there and how much sex are you having? And he’s like “what is it to you?” So Miranda starts ranting about how Steve is not being a good dad and isn’t committed and then she puts Brady on the couch and continues ranting to Steve about how he is not watching Brady, and how her focus is always on Brady……….who then falls off the couch because nobody was paying attention to him.
Over at Charlotte’s, she’s decorating a Christmas tree even though it’s July. Harry comes home and is like what is this? Charlotte says it’s her last Christmas tree and he’s like, Charlotte…you can have a tree! Lots of Jewish people do! She’s showing him her fave old ornament and he keep saying that she can keep Christmas, and she says she wants to do it right. Except he says they can keep that special ornament.
Meanwhile, Sam is dressed up as a sexy maid to serve Smith to make up for the tip thing. She calls him Mr. Waiter so he’s like “you don’t know my name do you?”….and she does not. He says it’s Jerry. This is also when she learns that Jerry (aka Jerry Jerrod aka Smith Jerrod) is an actor. To which Sam replies “there goes my hard on” and he says “it’s a good thing I still have mine”.
Carrie and Berger are at his place again and she cannot sleep. It’s not the frogs. He wants to know what’s wrong. She says nothing. But then she says “It’s Lauren” and how she wanted to skip all this and start fresh, but what’s up with the double-finger? And He’s like…what?? Then she demonstrates. He says she drives him crazy because she wants to go have lunch and have closure and move on. Carrie asks what he thinks and he says, “I think it’s going to take a lot more than a lunch”. Then he tells her that Lauren cheated on him and it broke his heart and pretty much killed him “and I was dead…’till you”. He then asks “you ever been that hurt?” And she nods. He says “you wanna tell me about it?” And she says “sure”. So there’s that. But does she tell him that SHE did the cheating or????????? We may never know.
Back at her place, another night ??? She calls Big to essentially be like hey no more frisky calls. She tells him that she is seeing somebody and he asks if she was seeing somebody the other night and she says “yes, but it just got serious” and then tells Big that they have to leave that stuff in the past and that they will still be friends. On Big’s end he looks ‘sad’ but I don’t five a fuck.
Over at the synagogue, Charlotte has her mikveh.
The next morning, Carrie shows up with a gift for Berger. It’s a new sound machine for a fresh start. Later, they are sleeping to ocean sounds. Which I have to admit I love to listen to to calm down.
Episode 4: Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little
Ughhhhhhh I hate this opening……let’s just say we open with Sam and Smith (I won’t call him Jerry) doing some role-playing, where she is vacuuming and he “breaks in” and pretends to attack her and then they have sex.
Cut to: Sam is telling everybody about this over drinks, including Berger! And Charlotte says how offensive it is. Sam asks Berger’s opinion and he says as a guy he’s been “under the impression that r*pe or anything in the r*pe family is not a good idea”…then quips “can I go home now??”. Charlotte nods approvingly, and then Sam talks about the other role-play scenarios her and Smith do before Carrie asks Miranda how her date with a real estate agent went.
Sam gets a call from Smith for some role-playing so she leaves. Miranda asks if Berger is maxed out on “girl talk” and he says no, but he’ll let them know. Miranda explains the end of her date, and Carrie and Charlotte give their opinion and then Miranda asks Berger who says “I’m not going to sugar coat it for you, he’s just not that into you”. Charlotte and Carrie immediately protest and then Miranda, being Miranda, is like no no I’m intrigued please elaborate. Berger says that it doesn’t matter if he has work or whatever, if he wants to come up, he’s coming up. The ladies start talking about mixed messages and stuff and Berger says “yeah that’s all code for ‘he’s just not that into you’….there are no mixed messages” which blows all their minds. Carrie says she’s made a whole career of mixed messages, Miranda says she’s spent her life trying to decipher them. Carrie tells Berger he’s fired. But he says to Miranda “if he’s not into you he’s obviously a weenie”. Miranda actually loves this whole revelation. Charlotte says she still thinks he will call, but Berger bets that she has an uncomfortable email coming. Miranda mouths “I love him” to Carrie.
Carrie and Berger are back at her place and he’s saying how Charlotte is great and “how can you not love Miranda!”. Carrie gets some ice cream from the freezer and asks him to pick which bar he wants and wow they each wanted the one the other person didn’t want so Carrie says “we’re perfect”. Then Berger puts his hand over her mouth (ICK!) and says he wants to tell her something which is…”I love you”. Carrie gets all excited and says it back and how she wanted to say it first whatever whatever. MIND YOU…..an episode ago, Carrie said it wasn’t that serious???
In VO, Carrie says “in my euphoric state I knew there was only one person who could tolerate me” and we cut to her and Charlotte at the deli counter where Charlotte says she’s in love too and Carrie says it’s the fastest she’s ever said it and Charlotte says she loves Harry so much it hurts and Carrie says that sometimes she just looks at Berger and he’s so cute she wants to squeeze his face. LISTEN: these men are not the same and these relationships are NOT THE SAME. Charlotte’s brisket is cut but she tells the deli guy “LISTEN, I SAID LEAN!”. Carrie gives her a nod that indicates “well well look at you!”
Carrie gets back home and we see that she is wearing the most absurd tights. She has some mail: Berger’s new book, which has a HIDEOUS cover. He wrote it in, “sure you can love me, but can you love my book?”. Meanwhile, over at Sam’s, her and Smith are doing IRS roleplay??? “This is what I call internal revenue!” HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Carrie finishes Berger’s book right as there is a knock at the door. It’s him! He immediately jokes about how if she isn’t done yet he can’t date a slow reader or whatever — it’s been two days! It’s a 400 page book, hello!?
UGGGGGH ANYWAYS….incoming loser behaviour!!!! Carrie tells Berger that she loved his book and it was amazing and all this and then she says there was one flaw, which was having his leading lady running around New York wearing a scrunchie which no self-respecting NYC gal would do (as if we have not seen Carrie in the most bizarre ensembles and Miranda wearing a hat OVER her hood). She tells him that he is lucky he found her because he may know the fellas but she knows the ladies. His face immediately drops and he says he doesn’t want to talk about the book anymore. Here we fucking go.
Cut to: Miranda and Carrie walking. Carrie is lamenting “why did I get up on my sassy horse?” and how she loved the book and she didn’t need to go straight to the negative and how Berger shut down. Miranda said that’s what you do in a relationship “all women pick, it’s in our DNA”. Okay....…………………………….then Miranda says Carrie has to work it out because Miranda was changed by Berger’s profound advice of “he’s just not that into you”. Great news for Miranda about a movie that comes out in 2009!
Carrie is back home doing writing about gorillas and nit picking…you get it…because picking. “When does criticism that’s constructive become destructive? Are there times when the ladies should just shut the fuck up?” UHHHHH….
The next morning, Charlotte is hammering her mezuzah and Mrs. Collier the nosey neighbour is like wtf is going on so Charlotte goes “Good morning, Mrs. Collier. I’m a Jew now!”. Mrs. Collier does NOT care.
Next we’re with Miranda doing a Gossip Girl and eating her lunch on the Met Steps. She overhears Liza Lapira4 talking to her friend about some guy and making excuses for why he hasn’t called. Miranda decides to tell them “he’s just not that into you”. Then she walks away feeling smug and triumphant! The ladies are like “PFFFT what a bitch?? Crazy people in New York!! He’s totally gonna call!!!”. He is not going to call, sorry pals.
Sam is doing role-play with Smith. She’s at a bar in some sparkling sheer garment with fun nipple pasties. Smith shows up. He’s pretending to be a homicide detective and she orders two martinis and he’s like no I’ll have a seltzer. And then she insists on martinis and he says no, it’s seltzer — seriously Sam I’m in AA. He starts to talk to her about it and she panics and leaves.
Over at Charlotte’s it’s a new day and she’s making her first shabbat dinner. She’s VERY excited. Miranda is braiding the challah. Charlotte asks her to check something in the recipe book and sees that Charlotte has some some tv-highschool-style doodling of “Charlotte Goldenblatt” and Miranda’s like uh did you get married? And Charlotte is like well that’s where we’re headed and obviously Miranda is Miranda about it and then Charlotte asks how they feel about a November wedding and Miranda is like aren’t you counting your matzo balls before they rise??? Carrie is like Miranda ZIP it!! and then Charlotte says she and Harry are beshert, and how they have an understanding. Miranda says she just doesn’t wanna see her get hurt again. She also says she doesn’t know what beshert means….do you not watch TV or what??
Sam is meeting Smith for a drink and they’re supposed to be playing Secret Service Sluts (HAHAHAHAHAH WHAT?!) and he says he wants to just be themselves and how she ran away when he was talking about AA, which was stupid. She goes “well Jerry…I think we want different things” and how he wants to share about himself and she doesn’t want him to and some other Sam things. He says “that’s harsh” and she goes “I am harsh, I’m also demanding, stubborn, self-sufficient, and always right. In bed, at the office, and everywhere else” and he’s like “I already knew that” and she says “and that’s just a little about me” to which he says “Alright, cool” and then we learn that his name is Jerry Jerrod. To which sam Says “no wonder you drank”. OH! Okay!
Sigh. Here we fucking go. Carrie and Berger are waiting in line for a table and a woman in front of them is wearing a scrunchie and you JUST KNOW HE IS FEELING SMUG AS HELL. So he’s like I believe we are in New York proper, in a hip restaurant, whatever whatever, “tough break Bradshaw”. Carrie mumbles “she’s not from New York” and then Berger is like oh what was that? Anyways, they ask the woman and no she is NOT from New York but Macon, Georgia. Very tense. VERY TENSE.
Miranda is downtown having dinner at an Indian restaurant with some guy that Harry set her up with. It’s the end of the dinner and he’s like oh I should call it night and Miranda is like “oh it’s fine I get it you’re not that into me” and he’s like, no I like you but I just really have to go, and Miranda is like Paul you don’t have to lie! Be a man (EWWWWW) and tell the truth and he goes “I have diarrhea”. Because they had Indian food. Nice one. Btw, what is with this show and Indian food? There’s also that thing where Carrie is dating John Slattery and they get food that’s TOO SPICY and yet she does not wanna drink water because he wants a golden shower. TEEHEEHEE SO SPICY. My god!!!!!!!
Back with Carrie and Berger having the most uncomfortable dinner of all time. They are having dessert. Well, Berger ate his and is now eating Carrie’s too — RUDE!!!!!!! Carrie is working overtime to talk about how much she loved his book.
Over at Charlotte’s, she has set up this shabbat dinner and is VERY excited and Harry gets home and is very touched. He turns on the tiny tv that’s in the dining room and he wants to watch The Mets game.5 She tells him to turn it off. She lights the candles and starts to do the blessing. Harry just put the TV on mute and is looking around her to see the game. Have I mentioned that she’s SO excited about this dinner??! AHHHHHHH!!!!! I hate where this is going. He says “what did I do to deserve you?” And she says “I feel the same way” and then she says “I’ve been thinking about blessings and you are such a blessing in my life”…….BUT THEN…..
She realizes the TV is still on and it becomes “I gave up Christ for you and you can’t give up The Mets?” And then Harry is like oh it’s gonna be a LONG life if that’s gonna be the thing you come back to. Then she starts ranting about how she worked so hard and studied so much and what has he done?? She is yelling “SET THE DATE!!!! You said you couldn’t marry me until I was Jewish and now I am so SET THE DATE” and Harry is like omg you’re being crazy! And then she says “Do you know how luck you are to have me?! Do you know how we look? Do you know what people out there think when they see us together? Do you?” And he goes “Yeah I know what people are thinking…I just didn’t think you were one of t hem”. MY HEARTTTTTTT. He says “I don’t need this. I’m leaving” and then just to devastate me more he says “and to think I bought a ring”. NAAAAAAURRRRRRRRRRR.
In VO Carrie says “the Mets won that night 5-4, but Charlotte lost everything that mattered to her”. And for a moment I think “oh hell yeah they beat the Phillies” but then I am heart broken.
Back at the most awkward date imaginable, Carrie and Berger are walking back to her place and she keeps talking about all the stuff she loved about his book and he says “that’s so lame” and he means what she’s doing. And then she says she is just wanting him to know how much she loved his book and she feels bad that she muddied it up. He says it’s fine but then he says alright I’m gonna call it a night. She’s like are you serious? And goes after him and says “you can’t just pull that line on me and walk away?” And he says “this time it’s true” (you know, because of the HSNTIY advice) and then she starts saying how he can’t just shut down and they have to be bale to talk and she says “if you thought I made some kind of mistake I’d want you to tell me” so he looks at her fascinator and says “Yeah? Nice HAT”. She responds that he just said it to hurt her. WHICH HE DID. Then she’s like it’s fabulous (meh) and starts walking away and he’s all oh YOU can walk away? And she’s like yeah I can…??
Basically, it’s not just the scrunchie thing and he says that his book is a failure and her trying to make him feel better isn’t helping. She walks over and covers his mouth with her hand (STOP THIS!!!) and then says he’s a beautiful writer, whatever whatever.
Charlotte is back at home, where we learn that Harry has only called to say when he’s picking up his TV. In VO Carrie says “just what New York needed, another single Jewish girl”. Is that really what you wanna say when your friend fucked up and she knows it and she’s DEVASTATED????????? Okay……..
Back at Carrie’s, Berger walks into Carrie’s bathroom to brush his teeth and has a scrunchie on the back of his head so they do laughing. I want him to choke. He doesn’t.
Episode 5: Lights, Camera, Relationship
I bet you’re wondering if Berger is going to be a huge loser in this episode too! Well OF COURSE he is!!!!
We open with Carrie and Berger and she’s taking him to meet Prada (the store) which is akin to meeting parents, according to her VO. Berger is shocked that the store is so big and doesn’t have clothes?? (it does). He asks ”how often do you shop here?” just as a man approaches saying “Carrie!” and does a double kiss. Carrie introduces him and then they are offered champagne and what not.
Sam and Smith are done doing sex. He’s getting up to leave and won’t shower because he wants to smell her on him AND THEN HE PUTS ON JEANS WITHOUT UNDIES. JEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He invites her to come see his play because he cannot do sex on Friday. He says it’s a “kick ass play” but it’s in Brooklyn and Sam “doesn’t do borough”. Anyways, he says if she comes to the play he will make sure she “comes and comes and comes in the bedroom”. Okay, Smith!!!!
Back at Prada, Carrie emerges in a cute dress and Berger is kinda tipsy on champagne and says she looks “damn fine”. Then the sales pal, Tony, emerges with a red button up top for Berger. Carrie says it’s fabulous and then Berger says he never says fabulous but it is a great shirt. And then he sees the tag and freaks out. Tony is like, come on Carrie talk him into it! My girlfriend used to do this! And then Carrie asks how his girlfriend is and he says they broke up and asks Carrie if she has anybody to set him up with.
Cut to brunch and Carrie tells Charlotte she has the impossible: straight, single, and works at Parada. But Charlotte is sad about losing Harry and says that she also wants the next guy to be Jewish because she isn’t giving it up. She’s very sad, y’all. Leave her alone!!! Carrie says they should all get dressed up and go for drinks on Friday night to cheer up Charlotte. But then Sam is like “shit fucking fuck shit” because she has to go to the play.
Over at Miranda’s, it’s evening and she is at home alone eating Chinese food and watching her shows. In VO Carrie says “speaking of theatre, Miranda was continuing her 1 woman show” of pretending she’s not in love with Steve.
Steve arrives with Brady and says the bratty girl at the playground had birthday and he brought her a chocolate cupcake. Then Steve says he’s getting a gut LOLOLOLOL and lifts up his shirt to reveal his ABS. He has to get home at watch the Knicks game and Miranda is like well why don’t you watch here! I have the sports channel and all this food! Steve asks if he would be crowding her and she’s like “for the guy who scammed me the chocolate cupcake?!”. Oh, Miranda. In VO Carrie says “the Knicks overtime turned into Steve’s over nighter”. Woof.
It’s another day and Carrie is meeting Berger for…breakfast? Lunch? She walks up all excited, carrying a Prada bag! She bought him that “fabulous shirt for the man who never says fabulous” or whatever. They say fabulous about 4789 times this episode. Anyways, she has a TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR CHEQUE from their publishers because they sold her book in France. He’s like wow that’s quite an advance and kinda accepts the shirt…but there’s an…energy.
The next day??? Carrie and Miranda are out for a walk with Brady. Miranda tells her that Steve spent the night and Carrie is like omg somebody is gonna get hurt and Miranda is like I know but I have so much fun with him! Okay well…….
THEN THEY RUN INTO COURTNEY aka Amy Sedaris. Turns out she was fired!!! Then we learn that Berger’s second book option was dropped. After Courtney walks away, Carrie tells Miranda about the big cheque and the shirt and how Berger never told her and how come she had to brag and Miranda is like, because you’re proud of it and you earned it and that’s okay — and Carrie is wondering if she should tell Berger but Miranda says to wait for him to bring it up.
Elsewhere, Anthony and Charlotte are sitting in the park looking at men. Charlotte says she’s still heart broken over Harry and Anthony is like listen we all loved Harry, etc. Then we learn that Anthony also got his heart broken once. But he’s very Anthony about it and says that Charlotte might end up alone “and with no mans”. Charlotte is like okay so??? Is that so bad?? Anthony says yes. Then he leaves her with this incredible gem:
We’re with Sam in Brooklyn, watching Smith’s play, the plot of which is very unclear to me. But he does full frontal nudity, so Sam loves it. Later they are doing kissing and Smith is asking if she liked the play but she wasn’t really paying attention and he says that he hopes the critics like it more than her because he quit his restaurant job — Sam is like how will it be a hit?! There’s no promotion?! Nothing?! Obviously there’s no PR because it’s small time theatre so Sam is like okay if this is what you want to do with your life, then she’s gonna help him because that’s what she does — “you’re gonna help me be an actor?” “No, I’m going to help you be a star”. This is when she decides they need to rebrand his name because Jerry Jerrod is awful — and it is, which is why I only call him Smith from the jump.
Over at Berger’s, him and Carrie are in bed reading and it’s very awkward. She tells him that she knows about the book option because she bumped into Courtney a few days ago. Berger is like “why didn’t you say anything sooner?” And then he wants to know if other people know like one of her friends and so she says Miranda was there and he’s like ugh and she’s apologizing for the shirt and the cheque and he says it’s all good and she earned the cheque and he’s proud of her (IS HE?????). She asks if he wants her to talk to her new editor and he says “oh Jesus Christ no. Thank you.” Carrie keeps trying to cheer him up and he just does a grunt.
Another evening, Carrie is telling Sam about it over cocktails and we learn that Sam got a newspaper piece written about Smith and his new name/play and btw they’re all going to the play. Carrie is like oh why are you doing this? And Sam says he’s 28 and making 0 dollars and I could help so I did. Carrie asks he “isn’t threatened by you helping?” and she’s like no it’s a whole new generation he doesn’t care. Then Carrie is back home doing writing another day and asking about whether men have changed or whatever, who knows. Who cares!
Cut to: Miranda is showing up at Steve’s apartment and he’s making cupcakes (from a box, which I still consider delicious). She thinks they’re for the playground but…they are in fact for his girlfriends’ birthday. WOOPS. You can tell Miranda is trying not to look emotional. Later, they are working on the icing and Steve has to go to the bar because it’s somehow 6:30 now? Miranda says she can finish while he goes to work. He kisses her on the forehead and says “Miranda, you’re the best!”. Baby Brady is just chilling.
Miranda calls Carrie and says she’s not going to the play anymore. She’s panicking about the cupcakes and life and all of it. She’s starting to cry. Carrie says to put the icing down — “Debbie cannot have your tears!”. Miranda is like ahh what will I tell Steve and Carrie says to blame the baby because “that’s what they are there for”. Carrie hears the buzzer which means Berger is there with a cab — she says “I love you” and tells Miranda to go home and she will call her later.
BUT WAIT….Carrie heads downstairs in her Prada dress (she looks fabulous) and Berger is there on his motorcycle………..and she’s like ahh not to be a girl about it (her words) she doesn’t want helmet hair. He guilt trips her and she says it’s okay just don’t go fast. BUT HE DOES.
When they get to Brooklyn, Carrie hops off the bike and RIGHTFULLY starts screaming at him “I told you not to go fast!!!!”. He’s like “it wasn’t that fast, it just feels fast because you’re on the bike”. She’s like bullshit, couldn’t you feel my hands digging into you?! And he says he thought she was excited and then she says “I’m not going to die on a bridge because you need to feel like a big man” THAT’S RIGHT, CARRIE!!!!!! He pretends not to know what she means (FUCKING LOSER) so she says that she’s sorry about the money but she never thought he’d be the type of guy to have a problem with it. He says “neither did I, but I guess I do, don’t I?!” and kicks the wall of the building. Then he says he didn’t think he was going that fast and he doesn’t wanna be this guy and how he’ll do whatever it takes and he thinks Carrie is magnificent. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LET ME SAY THIS: Not only is this whole thing the most fragile masculinity bullshit but the motorcycle element is additionally VERY UNSAFE. She got on that bike in a dress and heels. No jacket. No coverage. Nothing! This is not safe motorcycle attire!!!!!!!! In addition to being freezing cold while he was in a leather jacket, if something were to happen she has NO ROAD RASH PROTECTION. Oh man it grinds my gears every time!!!!!!!!!!!! You cannot just spring a motorcycle ride on somebody and guilt them into it. VILE!!!!!!
Ugh whatever she forgives him. He’s wearing the Prada shirt, and I think we’re supposed to find it touching. They walk over to the red carpet area. Photographers are shouting Carrie’s name! Berger says “they know you?” And she goes “I used to be a party girl”.6 The camera guys want one of her alone and she keeps pulling Berger back over. They ask his name and she says “Jack Berger, he’s a writer too”. Obviously this makes him wimp out. He says it’s not his night and he will just wreck everything so can he just take off? She quietly nods.
Just then, Stanford emerges behind Carrie and does a terrible “hello gorgeous!” Barbara Streisand impression. To which Carrie says that is the worst Barbara Streisand she’s ever heard. Carrie gives Stanford Berger’s seat. She also brought Tony from Prada who sits next to Charlotte (who is very sad without Harry). Sam sits down next to Stanford and says “all of Manhattan is here!’ And Stanford goes *fake gasp* “then who’s watching the island!?” Hahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahaha.
The play starts. Full frontal. Smith does his monologue and Sam is genuinely moved! ART!! Stanford whispers “a stud is born!” Hahahahahaha, get it? It’s another Streisand reference.
Btw this play is called Full Moon. So there’s that.
Sam asks where Berger was and Carries says he was coming down with a cold. We hear Charlotte in the background asking Tony to come over?!?!?! This is never addressed again. In VO, Carrie makes a clunky analogy about how everybody is acting and tonight she was playing the role of the woman in a great relationship whose boyfriend is coming down with a cold. Woof.
Episode 6: Hop, Skip and a Week
We open with Carrie and Berger walking up the courthouse stairs. She has been summoned for jury duty! She wants to get out of it, of course. He says that since he’s down here (downtown, I guess??) he’s going to go to some store to look at “computer shit” and to call him when she’s done. She asks “aren’t you going to write today?” And he snaps at her about how oh okay did you think I was just gonna sit on my ass and slack off all day??
They solve this bickering with a little bit called “Hollywood kiss” where he dips her and gives her a kiss. All I can focus on is Carrie wearing the highest pants I have ever seen.
Inside, Carrie tells the clerk that she is a freehand writer and nobody can cover for her. But the lady just stamps her paper and says “welcome to jury duty” LOL.
Over at Miranda’s, she’s running late for work and Magda arrives. Brady is crying while Miranda rushes off to work. Guilt ensues! Meanwhile, at the synagogue, Charlotte is organizing a little event and the old ladies all wanna set her up with their sons. LOL.
Sam and Smith are standing in Times Square looking at a giant billboard of Smith for Absolut Vodka, where the vodka bottle is covering his dick. He’s like omg this is too much? Also recall: he’s an alcoholic!!!!!
Carrie is bored as hell at jury duty while they are all watching some informative video about how it works. The guy next to her pulls out a mango from his briefcase. He holds it. Carrie is perplexed.
Cut to: Berger and Carrie are being seated for dinner and Berger says to call him if the guy pulls out a pineapple. As they sit down, Charlotte comes over and sits in their booth, hiding from her bad date. They set up a plan so Charlotte can fake-leave, then when the bad date leaves, come back and eat with them. Oh boy.
Later, Charlotte is at the table complaining that the guy brought her carnations. Berger goes “wow he brought you flowers? What an asshole!?” And Charlotte says they are filler flowers. Then Berger asks Carrie if she would hate carnations and she says she loves them and I actually agree!!! Then Carrie says she would “throw a guy away” if he work docksiders or topsiders or anything of the sort7 and Charlotte says those are cute (they are not). AND THEN Berger is like “so basically guys are just fucked?”. Charlotte says that none of it matters with the right guy, and how Harry was bald and talked with his mouth full but she loved him. AND THEN THIS LITTLE TWERP says, “sure because he didn’t bring you filler flowers” and Charlotte, looking sad, says “no…because I loved him…”. Carrie says “of course you did, sweetie” before turning to Berger to say “don’t say that to her” he says “sorry I was just trying to be funny” to which Carrie says “it wasn’t funny”. Then Berger says “well I’m not funny, I’m a slacker, if I was wearing topsiders I wouldn’t be here”. OHMYGODSHUTUP. NOW IT’S EVEN MORE AWKWARD. The server comes and Carrie orders something and says please no parsley and how she’s allergic and keeps emphasizing this even though she is not allergic but hates parsley and it literally comes with everything. And OF COURSE Berger is being a huge bitch about it! Charlotte panic excuses herself from “her second bad date of the night” (says Carrie’s VO). WOOF.
Predictably, in the cab ride home Berger is being a huge jerk. He says “I can’t believe you put me down in front of your friend”. She says “I didn’t put you down” and he goes “okay great, so now you’re going to tell me how I feel?”. GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!!!!! He asks “when did you stop being on my side?” to which Carrie responds “when did you stop being on MY side?”. Pause. Then Carrie says “this isn’t working”. Berger says that he thinks they need a break. Carrie is like……..okay……………………….then the cab stops at her place and Berger tells the cab driver there’s gonna be another stop and that’s how Carrie learns that he’s going home. He says he needs a week so he is going to his house in the Hamptons. He asks “is that okay?” and she says “I’m supposed to decide how I feel the with meter running?”. LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next day at brunch, Carrie is talking to the girls about it and Carrie says a break is a “hop, skip, and a week from a break-up”. Sam points at Carrie frowning and says not to do that and the test of a good relationship is whether you’re “like this *frown*” or “like this *smile*”. Carrie then says she has lots of good stuff going on in her relationship, too. OH?? SHOW US THAT, CARRIE???8
Then Sam pulls out some some postcards with Smith’s Absolut ad on them lolololol. Miranda tells Carrie to use this time to figure out what she wants. YEAH……..you should figure out the quickest way to dump this loser.
Carrie is at Jury Duty with her laptop?? Somehow?? I don’t know.
Miranda is late for work and shows up to a meeting with her boss?? I guess? And Rosemarie Dewitt (who is married to Ron Livingston aka Berger!!) as her co-worker (???) named Fern. Anyways they are like hey you’ve been late and it seems like you’re struggling with the new baby and the workload. Miranda is like “got it….won’t happen again”. She says that where she’s doing a bad job is at home and then reminds them when her mother died she was back in the office on Monday.
Later, Sam is at the bar with Smith. Or a restaurant? I don’t know, I can never tell!!! Smith arrives with a beanie on. He’s kinda hiding because everybody is giving him shit about the poster. His sober buddies are mad about the alcohol. His acting class thinks he’s a sellout. His mom in Seattle is going around hiding the covers. Sam says “drunks, nobodies, prudes!” LOL SAM. Smith is wondering whether any of this is working. A guy walks up to the table and is like omg are you the Absolut hunk!? And then Sam says “first come the gays, then the girls, then the industry”. Solid plan!
Speaking of gay, Charlotte is on a date with one of the synagogue sons and he’s like listen I’m gay — you know it and I know it, and the only person who doesn’t is my mother. He points to the Absolut ad and says that’s his type! Charlotte says “I know him!”. Turns out this guy and his brother are both obsessed with him! As they get to the synagogue, she is confronted by another woman who is like okay but you still haven’t gone out with MY son?!?! He will be at the next single & mingle event — she even shows him a picture and it’s none other than Peter Hermann aka Marsika Hargitay’s husband.
Miranda gets home late and Magda says that Brady went to sleep already. She’s obviously bummed about it. She says “I guess I can just…keep doing work then”. NO, MIRANDA!! HAVE DINNER!!! WATCH TV!! SOMETHING!!!
Carrie is shopping at some discount store that is the best part of jury duty (or so she says). Just then, her cellphone rings and it’s BIG! He asks how things are and she says she found some incredible designer items and he’s like “I meant in your life” and she says that things are good and then he asks how things are with “that guy hot dog” and she says good but why does he ask? Then she tells him that Berger and her are taking a break. In VO, she says “I think I crumbled under questioning”. Jury duty reference, you get it! The cell reception cuts out. “With an arm full of discount clothing, I realized I couldn’t discount my feelings”. She decides to rent a car to drive to Berger. She drives out of the parking garage. Then back in.
She’s over at Miranda’s and says she paid $187 to drive 40 feet. Then she’s ranting about sticking with it and trying harder, and Miranda is like listen I like Berger but COME ON you’ve tried and then Carrie says the Hollywood kiss thing and Miranda says “you guys need a ‘bit’?”. Carrie says she has to break up with him. THAT IS CORRECT. Just then, Magda emerges with Brady and he starts crying as Magda leaves. Carrie’s like “what’s wrong with him?” to which Miranda says “oh he’ll be fine, he just misses his mommy…Magda”. Yikes.
The next morning, Miranda sits down with her boss to say that she has to cut way back…to 50 hours a week. 55 tops. MY GOD. Back home later, she puts Brady to bed and she has also adhered pictures of herself to his mobile so he can see her all the time. Cute!
Elsewhere, Sam and Smith spot a vandalized bus ad of him. He’s like ugh wtf this sucks blah blah and Sam says to trust her because it will all work out. He says “what if you’re wrong” and then Sam starts to frown “or as close to a frown as Sam and her dermatologist Dr. Peterson would allow”. Just then, a bunch of teen girls run up on them and it’s legit scary!!! In VO, Carrie says that a week later Gus Van Sant called. Gays, girls, industry!!!
Over at the synagogue, Charlotte is talking to David aka Peter Hermann and she’s like you’re super nice and honestly you’re perfect, but for where I am right now you may as well be a gay man with carnations. He’s like “sorry??” She says she isn’t ready to date and he says “do you want to go back to my apartment to have sex?” She says no. He says “okay! Figured it was worth asking, I think I’m gonna head out!” HAHAHAHAH.
Charlotte goes to the refreshments table and some women are complaining that there are “only fatties and baldies left”. Obviously hit sparks Charlotte up and she’s hoping her baldy is there. Then her and Harry spot each other.
She walks over to him and he says “of all the synagogues in all the cities you had to walk into mine” and she says “Harry” in that sort of sad hello way. He asks “how you been?” and she says “not good” and she’s about to cry and she says that she loves him and she doesn’t care if he ever wants to marry her she just really wants to be with him and that she would be lucky to have him AND I AM CRYING!!! Harry says “well that’s not good enough” AND THEN HE KNEELS DOWN TO PROPOSE. I’m sobbing. Sorry!!!!! Sue me!!!! I love love!!!!!!!!!!!!
The women who were complaining before mumble “I am so coming back next week!”. I wish them well but they will never have what my angels have!!!!!!!
Back at Jury Duty, Carrie spots the briefcase guy remove a coconut!!! In VO she says that there was only one person who would appreciate this and she realizes she doesn’t wanna let go of Berger yet. FOOL. Cut to: she’s back home and somebody buzzes up and it’s Berger and he arrives with pink carnations (throwback). She also makes another trial analogy in VO but I cannot deal with hit.
Berger says he loves her and wants to try and make it work. She gives him a big hug and tells him about the coconut. The next morning, Carrie rolls over in bed to find that Berger is gone. She gets up to look around and…..spots THE FUCKING POST-IT NOTE ON HER LAPTOP SCREEN!!!!!!!!!!
She pushes the vase of carnations off the table. They scatter. It’s very dramatic. Water is dripping on the floor which stresses me out.
NOW THAT’S AN EPISODE!!!!!!!!!
Episode 7: The Post-It Always Sticks Twice
We open with Charlotte hailing a cab while in VO Carrie says “NYC is a great place to be engaged”. Charlotte gives her cab to somebody else.
Then we’re with Carrie. In VO she says “and it’s an even better place to be enraged”. She then bumps into somebody on the street and then yells at the person “oh you’re SOOO busy!!!”
She sits down at brunch and says “boy do I have news!” And then Charlotte says “so do I…” and tells them about her and Harry and shows them the ring. GORGEOUS. Carrie says it’s fabulous. Sam says “even more fabulous than your first one” and she’s right but Charlotte gets kinda quiet.
They ask Carrie what her news is and she says that Berger broke up with her on a post-it . She pulls it out. They are all appalled and infuriated. Miranda is like uhh weren’t you gonna break up with him? And then Carrie says that she was but he said he wanted to ‘work it out’ (which she does with air quotes). Carrie lets out some rage and then says that the relationship was a waste of time. Charlotte, perky as ever, says that oh no everything happens for a reason and you always learn something. Charlotte does the whole, well if I never got married I wouldn’t have gotten divorced and I wouldn’t have met Harry and be engaged and then Carrie says “paper covers rock” and puts the post-it note on top of her ring. Rude.
Cut to: Carrie and Sam are walking to Sam’s haircut and Carrie is ranting more. She says that maybe Sam has the right idea about men and Sam says yeah if you’re never the girlfriend you’re never the ex-girlfriend. Then she says she will spend as much time mourning the relationship as Berger did ending it. Then pauses for maybe 30 seconds. She tells Sam they should do something fabulous tonight and Sam says she’s taking her “to bed” and Carrie says “I’m not THAT off men”. You should be, Carrie. You should be. Anyways, Sam pulls out her day planner and it’s covered in post-it notes and Carrie makes a break up joke haha. Both Sam and Carrie are wearing….interesting ensembles.
Back at Sam’s, she’s pulling out some clothing options for Smith to wear on TRL. Smith says he isn’t comfortable wearing labels and just wants to wear jeans and his tank top. Sam says some nice things and they hug, then he says “how did I get hooked up with such an amazing girlfriend?” which makes her panic, of course. He asks if she’s sure she can’t come and she says she has plans with the girls, etc. Then she says that as his publicist she’s advising him not to call her his girlfriend and if they ask to say that he’s still looking. He’s very like…come on….and then she says he should at least wear some Dior sunglasses because it’s MTV and you gotta have accessories.
Elsewhere, Charlotte is looking through her closet, noticing how her gorgeous ring goes with everything and then…there’s her old wedding dress.
Carrie is on the phone with Miranda, trying to convince her to not bail on the club night and Miranda says it’s for hot people who aren’t parents and Carrie says this can’t just be the day she got dumped on a post-it and Miranda acquiesces. After she hangs up, Miranda spots her “skinny jeans”, meaning, as we learn in VO “the jeans that every woman keeps in the vain hope that she fits into them again” not ‘skinny jeans’ as in the millennial staple.
Cut to: Miranda is walking up to the club and we are zoomed in on her ass. Miranda says she hasn’t fit into these jeans since 1985 and Sam says she has a nice ass. Charlotte asks “how she did it” and Miranda says that she became a single mother and had no time to eat. Ick!!! Miranda asks if she can wear them to Charlotte’s wedding and Charlotte gets kinda awkward and says she feels silly that she made a big fuss about her ring. Sam says a diamond that big deserves to be celebrated. Then Charlotte says she doesn’t wanna do the big wedding again and decides not to have bridesmaids. The girls cheer. OOUFF hahahahahahaahaha.
Inside, the club is indeed filled with beds? The hostess is in pyjamas, but like…sultry pyjamas. They have a VIP bed booked. Normal things, you know. I don’t like it.
Miranda is walking to the bathroom and gets nudged onto somebody’s bed. A man does flirting with her.
Upstairs, Sam, Charlotte, and Carrie are laying side-saddle on a bed, sipping champagne. Sam says all the men here look old and Charlotte is like yeah because you’re dating Smith, who Carrie calls “basically a zygote” HAHAH OK. Then Carrie spots one of Berger’s friends in the bed over from them. Charlotte & Sam say she should say hello instead of being weird.
She turns back around and says hi then gets up and walks over to their bed. Billy introduces her to the other men as Berger’s girlfriend. Then Carrie is like oh yeah sorry we broke up this is awkward and this guy is like “oh I’m sorry…I heard you guys had all kinds of problems”. And Carrie says “yeah…and he was bad in bed” HAHAHAHAH GIRL…She goes to Sam and Charlotte and tells them what she said. They tell her to go back and tell them she didn’t mean it. Good grief, why?!?!? Who cares?!?!?!?
Carrie goes back and says she didn’t mean it and then overcorrects and it’s just AWKWARD. Billy says “sure, break-ups are tough” and she tells him about the post-it and he’s very unfazed by it. She says “I know you’re Berger’s friend so you can’t have a normal reaction” and that the normal reaction has been *shocked face*. The men do not react. Then she spirals about how she’s not telling everybody, just her friends, and then Billy is like oh maybe he was afraid and how women are scary and then the other guys chime in and say that women become psycho bitches and then Billy says there is no good way to break-up with somebody.
Carrie is like well…funny you should say that because THERE IS. Then she starts ranting about how rude it all is and how men are wimps and all this stuff that is very correct and Sam and Charlotte are looking stressed out in the background. Carrie gets louder and more stressed out in her rant. TOO BAD SHE NEVER CAME AT BERGER WITH THIS ENERGY!!! She goes back to Sam & Charlotte and Sam says “much better” and Carrie goes “you think? We have to get out of here immediately” and slams her champagne.
Back with Miranda and the flirting guy, he’s asking if she has a boyfriend and when she says no he’s like but why?? And she says “honestly, no idea”. The girls come down to scoop her and she gets up to leave and thanks the guy for the flirting. There is no number exchange or anything, which is the right call.
After they all leave, Carrie is like “okay so I’m angry and they’ll tell Berger I’m angry, I’m alright with that”. Then some guy smoking pot walks by and Carrie is like OOH DO YOU SMELL THAT?! Let’s get high!!! Because one thing about Carrie? She will take the chance to get stoned!! Carrie uses the post-it note to convince Miranda and Charlotte to partake. But how to get the pot?! Miranda goes over to the group of men with the pot. She comes back and tells the ladies that there is a bar around the corner called Drown The Hound and there is a dealer there. Sure, seems safe and legit.
The ladies arrive and it is a very like….hmm….grunge pub vibe. Charlotte says “if that last place was called ‘bed’ this place should be called ‘smell’”. Oh, Charlotte! Sam says that she promised Smith she’d check TRL so she goes over to give the bartender $20 to change the channel. And get three drinks. Which seems like such a deal!!!
Back with Charlotte and Carrie, who are at another part of the bar counter, there is a group of women there for a bachelorette party. Charlotte looks sad. Carrie is like what’s going on, sweetie? Charlotte says she wishes she weren’t married before and that she wishes it weren’t her second ring. Carrie says the whole ‘everything happens’ stuff Charlotte said before but Charlotte still feels silly.
Just then, one of the women comes over to ask them to take a picture of their bachelorette party group. Carrie says that Charlotte is also getting married so the women invite her into the picture and it’s VERY SWEET. The bride-to-be even dons Charlotte with the veil crown.
In VO, Carrie says “finally Charlotte’s inner judge was silenced by some loud bachelorettes”. Across the bar, Miranda is chatting with the group of men who say that it appears the dealer isn’t there. Then they start arguing over who is going to buy her a drink.
Sam and Carrie are now watching TRL on the bar TV. A guy behind Sam is checking her out and says “you’re hot enough to be on TV”. On the show, somebody does ask Smith if he has a girlfriend and he says the exact line Sam told to say. But then Sam looks…unhappy. In VO, Carrie says that Sam realized “no one special” was another label she didn’t care for. Sam turns around and kisses the “even less special” random man. BUT OOH NAURRRRR…he has a girlfriend, who is there at the bar with her friends, and they are ready to RUMBLE!!!!!
One of them shoves Sam a little bit and so her and Carrie run outside. Fuck Miranda and Charlotte I guess??? Carrie laments that the night is a total bust and Sam says “not a total bust” and pulls a joint out of her cleavage. Apparently the $20 got her 3 drinks, a joint, and a channel change. OKAY??? What a deal!!! They start smoking the joint on the street. Carrie says men are bullshit and that no good can come from being somebody’s girlfriend.
Just then, Sam gets a call from Smith so she walks away to keep talking. Carrie stays on the corner smoking the joint. Of course some cops pull up. Next, she’s in the back of the cruiser and Miranda is trying to plead with the cop to let her go. Miranda brings up the break up and post-it note. The cop is like “come on, that didn’t happen”. Carrie knocks on the window and holds up the post-it note. The cop says “wow, brutal” and then says that he will just write her up for smoking in the bar. Sam is like “can’t you just let her off?”9 and he says “I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me” — FROM THE POST-IT. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
Next, they’re at The Coffee Shop10 for dessert and Carrie is still quite high. Sam too. Then Miranda says that she’s coming around on Charlotte’s way of thinking re: everything happens for a reason. Carrie says “I know what I learned from my Berger relationship” and then says nothing for a solid 35 seconds before going “wait I just had it”. It’s great, they all laugh!
Then Charlotte says “you know what? I changed my mind!”. It turns out she wants bridesmaids. They do not respond. Then Charlotte says “you don’t have to wear the matching dresses, I promise”. They cheer. Then Miranda says her jeans just popped open. HAHAHAHAHAH. They all giggle.
If you don’t know what this is, it was a digital TV recording device — the (then) fancy alternative to recording TV episodes on VHS.
Also I need an American to tell me if the shoes-in-the-house-and-on-furniture-thing is real? I know they often keep shoes on in TV shows because sets and safety (or so they say) but…..I HATE IT.
Any New Girls fans think about that episode where Nick is dating Greta Lee’s rich character and she gives him money so he doesn’t have to go to work & they can keep hanging out, and he starts crying from happiness???
RIP Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23.
Mets fan is yet another reason to love Harry!
Sure, but aren’t we also told she’s a minor NY celebrity like 192892 times?
I find it very hard to believe that Big never wore these?? Not even in The Hamptons??
footage not found
The whiteness of it all
btw the place they always go for brunch/Carrie’s birthday that episode, etc. is literally called The Coffee Shop.
I just want you to know this series you've written has brought me so much joy and kept me up at night while I've been nursing my baby and trying desperately to stay awake! Bless ya