Adult Circumcision and a Pastry Chef
Season 2, Episodes 7-12
Episode 7: The Chicken Dance
This is the one with my girl Elsbeth Tascioni!!! Hell yeah!!!
In VO Carrie tells us that most New Yorkers don’t hang art or get furniture until a guest comes to town, which seems false? But what do I know! Anyways, she hired an interior designer which is my girl Elsbeth! Only her character is named Madeline which is less cool than Elsbeth. Miranda has a friend coming to town—Jeremy, who had been living in London working at the Economist, and apparently their emails bordered on flirtatious.
Carrie has become a frequent houseguest at Big’s, and she asks if he has a spare toothbrush and he pulls out a second head for his electronic tooth brush—a pink one! For girls! His is Blue! For Big Idiot! Anyways, the central conflicts of this episode will be Carrie freaking out about how she can’t leave anything at Big’s and tbh I am kinda with her on this one? Like….an extra toothbrush and some undies isn’t a big deal?????? But we’ll get to that because this issue is not over this episode. Sigh.
Jeremy is at Miranda’s and they are chatting and he says he wants to get married and Drew is like “who starts a convo like that” and then the interior designer, Madeline, comes in! And they basically lock eyes and fall in love so he invites Madeline to their dinner and in VO Carrie tells us that Miranda finds herself in a position all women dream of—she’s on a truly great first date, “unfortunately it was somebody else’s” HAHAHA. Miranda leaves because Madeline has a key so Jeremy can use that and she has no excuse to stay….womp womp! A week later, Miranda is throwing him a going away party (so going…home? he was…visiting?) and he announces that Madeline agreed to marry him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK! After a week? Good luck, babe. I mean, I’ve watched [redacted] seasons of 90 Day Fiancé so I know that isn’t going to end well but ok. On the stoop (I love a stoop hang), the ladies are chatting and of course Charlotte thinks the whole immediately married thing is great, Sam is like lol insanity stop being obsessed with marriage, and then Carrie makes reference to her toothbrush incident. WOOF.Sam charms a man that shows up to the party while they’re on the stoop, and Drew goes “for a woman who does not need to have game, she has SO MUCH game” and he’s RIGHT.
Carrie needs a reality check (her words) so she calls Big and tells him about the newly engaged strangers and he’s like “ok??” And she’s like that doesn’t shock you? And he’s like “I don’t know…this is New York” and then says he gives them 3 months. She asks him if he believes in love at first sight and he says he believes in lust at first sight. Then there are some talking heads about love at first sight….and honestly I cannot listen. I just cannot. Please forgive me but good grief.
Carrie is with Madeline for some reason—all the girls are invited/involved in the wedding even tho??? They didn’t know this woman until like a week ago??? But also that’s kinda the theme so…I guess I should shut up. Anyways, she asked Carrie to read a poem at the wedding because Carrie is her favourite writer or some shit. Over drinks with the gals, Carrie says “what do I know, I write about sex” and Drew goes “YOU DON’T EVEN WRITE ABOUT SEX” and once again, they are right!!! Sam announces that the guy she fucked last night she realized they had fucked before like 10 years ago. Charlotte is appalled. I don’t know why? I think it’s hilarious! Sam says “I’m officially out of men to fuck: I have to get married…or move!” HAHAHAHAHA. I love her!!! Drew makes the point about how of course that man remembered Sam, because she is the best one of the group. Charlotte says that her bridesmaid dress is backless black satin and Sam is like damn that’s hot and Charlotte goes on a rant about how she is sick of being demure, essentially. You do you, Charlotte!! If the bride is down with it then why not?? Be hot!!!!
Carrie is back at Big’s, and he is joking about words that rhyme with ‘love’ for her poem. And he asks when the wedding is and she says why? you’re not going, and he says oh yes I am, I wouldn’t miss you reciting “love glove dove in front of all of New York for nothing”. That’s nice I guess? AND NOW WE ARE AT THE POINT OF THE EPISODE WHERE I GET ANNOYED BECAUSE I HATE HER DRESS SO SO SO SO SO MUCH. Big arrives and she says that his name is on the invitation so he can sign the card, and he’s like oh why….they’re not my friends…how did they get my name? And Carrie says oh they prob asked Charlotte or something but if you don’t wanna sign it’s no big deal. Obviously he is being weird. Over at the wedding, I also hate Miranda’s dress. Sam looks great. Charlotte looks HOT and Samantha looks stunning.
Charlotte is going to start hitting it off with this guy, he is the one walking her down the aisle, and then they go to decorate the bedroom suite together et etc dancing with this guy and hit if off and she’s like wow its love at first sight and then his dad hits on her and she tells him and he’s like wow ur a whore—I AM SERIOUS. This is crazy.
Carrie goes up to read her poem and I am cringing already because I know what she is going to say. Here it is, folks:
His hello was the end of her endings
Her laugh was their first step down the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever was as simple as her smile
He said she was what as missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer was “I do”
She tears up because Big got a phone call mid-poem so of course she’s having a crisis.
Big is back (quite late) from his phone call and she says he can fix it with a dance and he says maybe later, he hates dancing when people are eating. I mean…ok???? Over at the bar, a man approaches Sam and says he thinks he knows her and she’s like oh we probably fucked, and then Carrie comes over and Sam goes oh if it isn’t the famous poet Carrie Bradshaw and Carrie is like ugh lets not talk about it and then she explains about Big taking a call, whatever whatever.
Big finds Carrie and he wants to leave and she is like did they even cut the cake and he says something idk and she says you wouldn’t even sign the card and how she thinks they want different things and how she wants “somebody who will be with her till the end………….of a wedding” and he says ok I’ll stay but then the bouquet toss is happening which is the end of the wedding and then whatever who fucking cares!!!!!!!
There is also a fun little bit in this episode where Madeline brings Miranda some ceramic frogs as part of her interior decoration and then Miranda re-gifts this as the wedding gift. Behold said frogs:
Episode 8: The Man the Myth the Viagra
Carrie and Big are having dinner at some Italian restaurant where everybody seems to know/like Big. He introduces her to Pablo as his girlfriend and she’s like “you’ve never called me your girlfriend before” and he goes “sure I have, just not to your face” and gives her his signature shit-eating grin. A man is singing and everybody claps and then the guy invites Big up to sing and he sings Frank Sinatra, accompanied by the accordion. Across town, Miranda is on a date at a comedy club which is a terrible idea for a first date. Her date has to use the bathroom and when he is gone his phone rings and the comedian (who is not funny) is like “yo red answer your fucking phone” and she’s like it’s not my phone but he makes her answer and…….it is her dates wife. AWKWARD. The comedian is very, very rude.
The next day, the girls are having lunch talking about how men are garbage liars. Charlotte says some “Pollyanna” stuff (Miranda’s words). Then they all exchange urban relationship myths about living happily ever after. Then Sam asks “have you actually ever known somebody whose relationship changed magically over night?” And Charlotte says yes Carrie and Big and Miranda asks how—she genuinely wants to know—and Carrie says “it’s just a feeling” and how if they came together again it must be for a reason. Sam LAUGHS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Sam is having a cosmo at some bar and DONALD TRUMP IS THERE EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWWW then the old man that terrorist was meeting with comes up to Sam and says “I was so distracted by your beauty I may have just agreed to finance Trump’s new building” and Drew goes “BURN” because anybody who invests in Trump is a fucking bozo. Anyways this leads Sam to ask Carrie the next day what the age cap with men is and she says 50 and then Sam says “factor in millions and millions of dollars” and asks what about a young 72. OH, SAM.
Later, at Big’s, Carrie is sitting there while he makes veal (ew) and she says she wants him to know her friends better and he says oh I know them “Miranda is the redhead and Charlotte is the brunette and Sam…is trouble”. Then he just asks what it is that she needs and she says she wants to all have dinner on Saturday night. She gets a call from Miranda who is like hey we’re supposed to be having dinner????? And she say oh he got this veal….and she says “you blew me off for a piece of politically incorrect meat?” And Carie says “he wanted to make me dinner” and Miranda says “your relationship hasn’t changed at all” etc etc etc how she comes running whenever Big calls and I am sorry but Miranda is right on this one. Big asks if there is a problem and Carrie just says no.
Miranda is at a bar for this phone call, which is where we meet….STEVE!!! He is being charming and he asks if she had a fight with her butcher because of the veal hahahhahahahahahahahaha. Drew goes “he is so cute and funny!!!”. Miranda asks him what he is reading and he says “The Joy of Bartending, Hemingway” and she goes “so what, you’re funny?” And Drew goes NO MIRANDA HE IS HILARIOUS AND HE IS ALSO SO FUCKING SECRETLY JACKED THAT EVEN IN THE REBOOT AT 60 HE HAS ABS SO…….Anyways, they talk and then they go fuck at Miranda’s house!!! After they bone, Steve says “that was special” and asks for her number so he can call her up for a date. And Miranda is like let’s not do this, don’t pretend ur gonna call and he’s like…….”you’re a real pisser” and gives her a kiss and then he says stop by the bar and see me sometime and she says “sure whatever…great sex!” Sam is getting wined and dined by the old man but then when they try to fuck she sees his old man butt and is not into it.
Saturday afternoon: Steve stops by Miranda’s since he didn’t get her number and he says I wanted to tell you that I like you and he asks if she wants to go on a date and then she says some rude shit and then says he can stop by Denial where they are all getting dinner and he’s like oh my buddy works here I’ll meet ya for a drink and gives him a fake time and then before she closes the door he’s like….what is the real time??? Drew goes “he is fucking smart! Charming! And no bullshit from the beginning!”. EXACTLY, DREW! Carrie stops at Big’s to get him for dinner and he is not dressed and she’s like come on and he is like oh do I have to go? I’ve been out all day and it’s going to rain, is that okay? (I relate I am sorry) and she says “sure”. But she could have said “actually….no”.
The gals and Steve are there. Miranda is very rude to him. They are all waiting for Big but she does not have the strength to tell them that he isn’t coming. Her words in VO": “as long as I was in Denial I might as way stay there”. Then Big shows up and it rattles Miranda to her core that a man would show up and she goes out to kiss Steve. Btw that is not be being clever, Carrie says in VO: “it shook Miranda’s lack of belief system to the very core”. Again I ask, IS THIS HER WRITING HER COLUMN? HOW DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE NAMES?
Episode 9: Old Dogs, New Dicks
Carrie is talking about how men check out other women, and that includes Big when they are walking down the street together. She tells Sam about this and she is like eh whatever, you can’t change him and no man is perfect. Miranda is exhausted because her and Steve have opposite schedules (since he’s a bartender and all). He shows up late to rub her feet but she falls asleep. He smiles at her while she snores. It’s very cute. The next morning, Steve wants to fuck but Miranda has to go to work.
Across town, Charlotte is kissing this guy Mike who she has been dating and she says she wants to make love and THIS IS A WEIRD EPISODE because this guy is not circumcised and it’s LITERALLY A WHOLE PLOT POINT????????????? He asks “is that okay?” And it is clearly not okay with her. Over brunch at the coffee shop, she says that it was too much skin and aesthetics are important to her. Sam says she loves an uncircumcised dick because it is like a tootsie pop. Charlotte says it is not normal. I am sorry, but it could not matter less……..COME ON NOW. Who cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sam is pro “uncut” and of course she is.
Big and Carrie are out for dinner and he pulls out a cigar and the waitress says he can’t smoke and he does some whole charm bullshit—“charm”—and ends up being okay to smoke and Carrie calls him arrogant and he says “I thought that’s what you liked about me”. I’m exhausted. Carrie is “writing” her “column” about how she wants Big to change (i.e. stop checking out women) and then we get some talking heads about how men cannot change/men saying they refuse to. Who cares!!!! BUT WAIT: Carrie tells us that Charlotte is about to learn that some men can change. THAT GUY IS GOING TO GET AN ADULT CIRCUMCISION!!!!!!!!! WHY. WOULD. YOU. DO. THAT. It’s Saturday morning and Steve wants to cuddle but Miranda wants to go do her errands and spin class etc. Steve says she needs to learn to let go a little and she says fine i will cuddle for an hour and a half tops. But obviously they stay in bed longer than that. Later, the gals go out to their fave bar which turns into Drag Queen bingo on Saturday nights. Miranda is complaining about how Steve wants to cuddle. Charlotte says everybody wants that. Carrie says she is jealous because Big won’t even spend the night. Sam is just upset that she is not winning bingo. Charlotte goes on about how women are more adaptable so Miranda should change a little, and that if she believes in the relationship she should give it a shot. Miranda says “this from a woman who dumped a guy over foreskin” LOL and then she say they are dating still dating and he’s getting a circumcision. My fave twist: a drag queen is like “omg Sam it’s me, Brad!” who was this guy she used to bang and now his drag persona is HER. It is amazing.
Carrie is then supposed to meet Big and she waits for half an hour and she says she hates waiting here for him and he says there is a coffee shop around the corner she could have waited in. He says don’t be pissed and she says I am pissed and if you gave me a key I could wait upstairs. Or he could stay at her place sometimes. And he says “but I like my bed”. In VO, she says “that night something else changed, neither of us wanted to make love” and then he rolls over and pushes her off the bed and as she gets up she accidentally?? (it’s very unclear tbh) punches him in the nose. He goes to the couch. Then a few hours later she brings him ice and is like, I hate your cigars and how you look at women and don’t stay my house and you can’t even make room for me in your bed. And it isn’t her fault because she never says anything but now she is saying something and how she wants something to change a little bit for her. And he says “physical violence is never the answer” in a joking way but also….yikes Carrie. Then she says “I am sure there are things you don’t like about me” and he says “not falling for that one”.
Charlotte is on a post-op scotch and walk with the newly circumcised guy and he says he just needs a week (I really gotta google this shit) then he gets a boner when they kiss and it’s bad. Later, when he is healed (which seems unlikely) he says that he doesn’t want to be exclusive because he has a new penis so it feels like he needs to go try a bunch of sex with his lack of foreskin. So, that backfired on Charlotte real fast (too fast???? I feel like that would be a long healing process???????). Over at Miranda’s, Steve comes over and she has lit candles and stuff for a 2am seduction and then……..Steve falls asleep LOL. And she’s like, hey get up I think you should sleep at your place tonight and she says “I wanna catch up on my sleep and I don’t wanna worry about having sex with you in the morning and just thinking about being late” and he says “you don’t like having sex with me?” And she says no, she loves it. And he says we can have sex now, and she says the window closed (it was 2 mins between pouring the wine finding him asleep) and she makes a comment about being a lawyer and how she is busy? And he says “yeah well I’m a bartended and I get sick of dealing with other people’s neuroses” LOL GET HER!!!!
Big shows up at Carrie’s and is like hey I hate that you eat oranges in my bed and she’s like okay what will you give me for the oranges and he says oh this could take a while I guess I will have to spend the night. Miranda tries being nice to Steve. What a concept!!!
Episode 10: The Caste System
Yes, they are going to try and make some sort of point about dating people with less/more money than you. Buckle up!!!
We open with a VO from Carrie: that week in Spring when its warm but not hot, men in suits, 3 papers and 12 gossip columns—it’s easy for me to say I love you New York, but it’s not so easy for me to say I love you Mr. Big. Then she goes on to tell us how she realized she loved him (we’ve already known this??????????????). Also, Carrie is in her straight-hair phase and this is a crucial piece of info for later. Anyways, Big shows up to take her to a party and he has a gift for her and says “I saw it and thought of you” and it is THAT SHINY BIRD BAG. Now, Real Fans of this newsletter will know I have already complained about this because of a certain bag in the revival. Then she says “I love you” in response to this bag she hates.
Over brunch with the gals she tells them that he said nothing back. And decides that he has to say it back but if he doesn’t she has to dump him. VERY HEALTHY AND NORMAL! Samantha says some Samantha stuff. Miranda speculates that maybe Big is thinking about how to say it, which was disorienting to them all, because she is never optimistic. BUT she is too happy with Steve.
Speaking of Steve, him and Miranda are out for pizza and Carrie tells us in VO that “[Miranda] likes him so much she lets him take her out for dinner but only to places he can afford”. LET ME TELL YOU, THESE PIZZA SLICES ARE FUCKINGE HUGE AND IT WAS 5.50 FOR TWO?!?!? HE’S GOT THE RIGHT IDEA. IT ALSO LOOKS LIKE GOOD PIZZA, WHICH TV PIZZA OFTEN DOESN’T.1
Anyways, Miranda invites him to a fancy work party and says he has to wear a suit and he says he has a gold corduroy suit. And they laugh about how corduroy is tacky and then he takes her back to his apartment, which isn’t great but also it’s very tidy and he makes a joke about modelling it after DeNiro’s place in Taxi Driver which is a legit hilarious joke. He says “Its cheap, and it’s near the bar, and you never have to come here again”. HE IS AWARE, MIRANDA!!! In VO, Carrie talks about Miranda experiencing her first pangs of yuppie guilt.
The next day (?) the gals are getting pedicures and Charlotte makes a comment about how a lot of artists were bartenders and Miranda says he isn’t a slash anything (writer/bartender, artist/bartender) and then Sam asks who cares, how is the sex? And Miranda says it is the best sex of her life. Charlotte asks how Miranda can get serious about a man who makes less money than her—and then it becomes a whole thing because Carrie says she has less money than Big and it’s no big deal and Charlotte says it is okay when it’s the man and ALL the gals GROOOOOOAN. Sam says girl power. Miranda says it doesn’t matter to her but she doesn’t want it to matter to Steve because sometimes it seems like it does. Charlotte is like, but you’re talking about more than just a difference in class and that it’s a difference in upbringing and how Steve is working class and then all the gals say how you can’t say “working class” and Charlotte says “you’re acting like we live in a classless society but we don’t” and then they mumble “thank you” to the people giving them pedicures. LOOOOOL. Here’s the thing: Charlotte is right insofar as yes, we do live in a fucked up classed society! But the rest of what she said was insane.
In her very refined and journalistic voiceover, Carrie is typing away her latest piece of insight and asks if New York is no different than New Delhi, and have they replaced a caste with class—and then she asks, can we date outside our caste? There is so much going on here that I cannot even BEGIN.
Carrie and Big are on a date and he says the wine is from this nice vineyard in Tuscany and Carrie sips it and says “delicioso” which ALWAYS MAKES ME CRINGE. And then he says he’s always wanted to go back with somebody he actually likes, and then he adds that she can return the purse if she wants. The next day, Charlotte meets a movie star at the gallery (which in VO Carrie tells us is a class than transcends everything?). Anyways, she is gonna go out with him and his posse which is a bad idea and then eventually he will ask her to go put a finger in her pussy and then have him stiff it. So. Yeah. Other stuff happens before that but he is gross. BTW even Carrie thinks it’s a bad idea so…….
Sam is dating this guy who has a ‘servant’ named Sum. He goes to work and says she can stay as long as she wants in the morning and Sum will make her breakfast, etc. BUT THEN Sum comes in and is like “OKAY LAZY BONES OUT OF BED” and starts taking the sheets off the bed and cussing at Sam which is quite funny. Later, Sam will tell the guy this and he will be like, no way. In VO carrie says “it was then Samantha realized she’s not so dim that Sum”. Later, Sum does a bigger scam…and calls Sam a “cock-sucking whore”. YIKES!
Miranda is taking Steve shopping for a suit (and the shoes). It’s $1800. She says “don’t worry, it’s my treat” because she invited him and he’s like no way you’re not buying me a suit. His card is declined. So he starts doing the math of putting some one on card and then cash and a cheque etc etc etc, if you know you know. It is very tense and uncomfortable and me personally myself I think he should’ve let Miss Harvard Law buy him a designer suit.
Later, Carrie and Big are at this party hosted by some snooty lady on Park Ave that Carrie knew back in the day and Big currently knows from current day. At this party, they only serve clear drinks. So. You can imagine the vibes. Carrie realizes that all the women there have THOSE UGLY BAGS in assorted shapes. So in VO she says “not only did Big not love me but he didn’t know who I am”. Carrie says some funny stuff about the host and the people at the party and he says “don’t be a bitch” and she says “I’m not being a bitch I’m being myself” HAHAHAHAHA one of my favourite pieces of dialogue in the show. She tries to light a cigarette in this woman’s home and she is instructed to go out to the terrace. Which….come on, Carrie, have some COUTH! This waiter/performance artist (one of those slash people!), Jeremiah, that Carrie has known for years comes out onto the terrace and they smoke and he says he got a new tattoo and it’s down by his belt line/pubis and as she’s looking at it and the host comes out and it looks like Carrie’s giving him a BJ so the host lady tells Big, and then Big tells Carrie she’s embarrassing him. It’s a whole thing.
Miranda is running late for dinner, and then Steve shows up not in his suit and says he returned it because he couldn’t afford dit. And he says that she needs to be with somebody more on her level and that being in the store made him feel bad and she’s an amazing lady and he’s sorry but he doesn’t wanna hold her back, and she says “so I’m being punished for being successful” and he says “that’s not how I mean it” and it’s honestly pretty sad all around.
Carrie is walking home with that Jeremiah guy and they’re singing “Jeremiah was a bullfrog”. They are wasted. They make-out a little. He spends the night with her but they do not have sex. In the morning she’s woken up by Big calling and he says “I know what you’re really pissed off about but it’s something I just need to do in my own time……well, I fucking love you, you know I do it’s just hard for me to say because it always seems to get me in trouble when I say it” and she says okay and he says “are we okay?” And she says they’re great and she loves him too. In VO she says she never told Mr. Big about the Jeremiah sleepover because “anything before I love you doesn’t count” HAHAHAHHAHAHA OK GIRL….SURE.
Episode 11: Evolution
We open with Miranda at the gynocologist where she is getting an exam and then tells her gyno that she doesn’t need more birth control pills because her and Steve broke up. Which…..I mean…..interesting? Because many years after this, when myself and other millennials are at the ripe ages of 15/16, we were given birth control en masse. And I actually have a gripe with this plot in many shows but I will get to that later. Anyways, it turns out she has a lazy ovary. Over coffee, she tells the gals about this and Charlotte says she has a tilted uterus (me too!) and then Sam says she needs to go to a new gyno because hers was a man and it was too weird (and not for the reason I find it weird, but because she spent all that time with a man down there and left without an orgasm LOL).
Carrie goes to pull out her wallet to pay for their lunch (?) and her underwear flings out and it’s because she is staying at Big’s and Sam is like damn you don’t even have a drawer? And Charlotte says she should remain a woman of mystery and not have stuff at his house. We learn that Sam no longer wears underwear on dates because she would just leave it behind after a dalliance. That’s fiscal responsibility, baybee!!!! Carrie then tries leaving her travel hairdryer at Big’s house and slowly adds more stuff.
OH YEAH, IT’S THIS ONE. Charlotte is on a date with this pastry chef. He’s very cute and charming and they can talk, which is nice. He kisses her before she gets into her cab and she is CONFUSED. Why, you ask? Well the next night at drinks she explains that she thought he was gay. And then Carrie goes on to explain the existence of the “gay straight man” which is basically……a man who is heterosexual but has taste and likes musicals and fashion….i.e……lives in New York. Charlotte goes on about how their thing on Saturday wasn’t a date because she wore her glasses (and you looked hot, so?). Carrie then holds up a TINY purse and is like see, I left stuff at Big’s!!! And then she tells them….she did a number 2 at his house. Sam, my queen, goes to high-five her! Charlotte yells ‘NOOOOOO’. Hahahhahahahahahahahahaah I’m howling. They talk about how it’s hard in NY with small apartments and everybody can hear everything and Sam says this is why I like rich men because there’s more room in the apartment for distance between you and the number two HAHAHAHAHAHAH. A man sends a drink to Sam at the bar and it was this guy Dominic, who apparently was the first and only man Sam ever loved? She says she’s gonna go say hello and Miranda is like “after what he did to you?” And Charlotte goes “what did he do?” And Miranda goes “broke he heart”.
Later, Carrie is at home and Big shows up. He brings her stuff in a Barney’s bag so she thinks it might be a present hahahahahahahahahahahaha. She then is like, uh, I left those things on purpose, because I need items to make myself all pretty in the morning. She says he can leave stuff there, and he says he doesn’t want to—and she asks what the ideal living situation is for two people in a relationship is. And he says “exactly what we have—I have my place and you have yours, we’re together when we want to be and we’re apart when we want to be” and she says “like Woody and Mia” and he goes “before Sun Yee” and I puke in my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then Carrie asks, in her writing, “have New Yorkers evolved past relationships?”. She’s on an ice cream walk with Sam who is outlining her revenge plan to dump Dominic hahahaha!! My queen!!!
Charlotte is at Stefan’s and he’s cooking for her. It’s nice! His apartment is classy and Charlotte says “this is my fantasy kitchen” and he says “this is my fantasy” and he grabs her and kisses her and then asks if her dress is Cynthia Rowley. In VO, Carrie says “Charlotte wanted to be open minded but Stefan seemed to be making it as hard as possible” AND THEN WE CUT TO SAM AND DOMINIC AND CARRIE SAYS IN VO “across town, Sam was making Dominic as hard as possible” LOL!
Sam calls Carrie to be like oh I slept with Dominic to show him what he was missing and I am better than him now then in VO Carrie says that Samantha is a blend of “a man’s ego in a woman’s body”. I cringe. Carrie, Stanford, and Charlotte are at Stefan’s bakery for a treat and he brings them a tray full of goodies and says “sweets for my sweet”. He also comments on Carrie’s straight hair and how on her column pictures it’s wavy and Botticelli-esque. Stanford says he finds him attractive which must mean he’s straight. Charlotte says what if he’s gay and doesn’t know and Stanford says “honey, we’re aware”.
Miranda is on a date with some guy who has fresh hair plugs. Carrie tells us that Miranda had turned him down before but since she has a lazy ovary she’s in no position to “turn somebody down on the basis of hair plugs”. I fail to see the correlation. He says something about just trying new things or whatever and then she says she understands and mentions her lazy ovary and how she’s considering freezing her eggs. And he goes on a rant about reproductive technology and how “do we really want desperate women to have babies at 50?” And some shit about how we need to keep weeding out the weak etc and then Miranda says “hey! I don’t need to be lectured about science by a man who is doing crop rotations on his forehead” GET HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charlotte decides to stop freaking out and goes to have sex with Stefan who is playing Cher during their sexy times which is AMAZING. But then she panics and is like, “have you ever been with a man?” And he goes “no? Have you ever been with a woman?” And then she’s like but you like all this stuff are you gay and he goes “I’m a 35 year old pastry chef who lives in Chelsea….if I were gay, I’d be gay. You’re the one who doesn’t wanna make love”. Which is a phrase I hate! BUT the rest of what he says is ACCURATE. They have sex and it’s great!!!! But then the next morning there’s a mouse stuck to a glue trap and he freaks out because THAT IS A RATIONAL REACTION TO A MOUSE IN ONE’S HOUSE (also there’s a New Girl joke that fits perfectly here) and in VO Carrie says: “Charlotte realized her masculine side wasn’t evolved enough for a man whose feminine side was as highly evolved as Stefan’s”. YOU GOTTA LAUGH! This was nuanced cultural content at the time, folks. Really incredible.
Sam’s plot to destroy Dominic doesn’t really go well? They sleep together again and he says he’s gonna miss her because Anka and him (his ex-now-not-ex) wife are giving it another shot. And she’ like WHAT THE FUCK?! NO!!! I WAS SUPPOSE TO DO THIS!!! Carrie is at Big’s and she has to get up and go home and makes a comment about how she needs her hair dryer (mind you, her hair is dry) and she says “I have to dry my hair, I’m wearing it straight in case you didn’t notice” AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOU CAN TAKE HER NORMAL CURL AND BLOW DRY IT TO BE STRAIGHT? SORRY BUT IT WOULD TAKE MORE TOOLS AND IT BUGS ME EVERY TIME. And again, her hair is CURRENTLY DRY and still straight so what’s her plan here???? Anyways, when she is going to look for all her stuff she finds a picture of them he keeps in one of his drawers and in VO she says “I realized I didn’t have to leave my stuff behind because I was already here” and that’s all well and good but…..practically speaking…..it is nice if you can leave a few things?
Episode 12: La Douleur Exquise!
In VO, Carrie tells us that NY restaurants are always looking for a new hook and this month it’s S&M—there’s an opening for a new restaurant called La Douleur Exquise that Sam’s PR firm is putting on. When Charlotte shows up Sam is like “what are you wearing, the invite said kinky!” And Charlotte goes “I kinked my hair!” Which is so cute and so Charlotte. The waiter brings their drinks and Sam whacks him with a crop. Sam is like don’t be so judgemental!! Because you know, they girls were being judgy. Carrie goes to leave and says Big is flying to Paris tomorrow for business and she wants to say goodbye. So Sam gives her the top hat and the whip to take with her. She’s wearing it when big opens the door and she goes “well laugh, it’s a joke”. She then pats him with the little whip. And then they do kissing.
Across town, Stanford is chatting online with other underwear fetishists. Fun!!!!!! His screen name is Rick9Plus and he’s been chatting with this person whose screen name is BigTool4U. LOL. Charlotte is out and about and stumbles across some beautiful shoes. LOL this is a fun one! Essentially, he shoe salesman has a foot fetish and he gives her heavily discounted to free shoes if he can watch her put them on and then eventually rub her feet and it’s a whole thing throughout the episode. Here is my complaint: a lot of the shoes don’t even seem to fit and yet they act like they do??
Miranda is shopping for used books and starts chatting up Will Arnett! Who we will discover has a fetish for expositionism, so much so that when they finally fuck in an actual bed it is at his house and his parents are visiting and the parents interrupt and he KEEPS GOING and makes direct eye contact with his mother as he climaxes. ICK!!! ALSO they will do sex things in a cab which I actually think is so fucking rude.
Carrie is at Big’s while he is packing and she’s asking about Hamptons for the summer and he says oh, I might have to move to Paris for work for a while. And she’s pretty stunned because……..I mean….fair enough!!! It’s been in the works for a while but he will know more after this trip. And he says “don’t get carried away” but he puts an emphasis on *carried* and it feels like a slight??????
At lunch she is telling the girls and she’s LIVID. She’s pissed off because she wasn’t even a factor in his decision making process. She’s banging her hands on the table and is like “I can’t believe this is happening again” and that she must be a masochist and then in VO says “that’s when I realized I was in an S&M relationship with Mr. Big” and uh, no babe, you’re not. You’re in a toxic relationship with an asshole and you both cannot communicate. That is a different thing. She is writing in her column “when it comes to relationships, how do you know when enough is enough?”. Hard hitting journalism!!!!!!
Stanford is over at Carrie’s for martinis and he tells her about his cybersex dates online and how he has been chatting with this guy who now wants to meet him. She does laugh at little at their screen names but it’s actually all in jest and a nice little friend hang! Stanford says he hasn’t had good sex since before Cats was on broadway hahahahahaha. And Carrie says he should go and have a naughty little adventure “be safe, have fun” which is also my go-to message for pals. After Stanford leaves/she’s had sufficient cocktails, she calls Big in Paris to yell at him. I am not gonna lie, it is very funny because she is kinda drunk and she says “you’re a freakin’ old man!” and that she’s “a wo-man” and he goes “have another cocktail, woman”.
Charlotte/Carrie/Miranda are walking (and not sharing the sidewalk) and Carrie says that Charlotte is right and she should just be okay with the Big thing because what’s the big deal about going to Paris every now and then. Carrie then notices Charlotte’s shoes and she asks how much and Charlotte confesses the whole thing which makes her realize she has to return the shoes.
Twist: Charlotte can’t return the shoes because she’s worn them so this is when she models a bunch of shoes for Buster the show guy and then he jizzes in his pants and says ‘thank you’). Idk it’s not that weird, honestly.
Big is back so Carrie shows up in a beret with McDonald’s. Why not! She says it’s an apology for being “le bitch” and how they can make it work and that if it becomes too hard she can move to Paris and write “le sex and le city” and he says well, I don’t want you to uproot your life and expect anything. So she throws the McDonald’s at him and starts yelling about how he doesn’t even care that she’s in his life and he says “I have to be in a relationship where if I need to go to Paris I can go to Paris”. And she says “why is it so hard for you to factor me into your life in any real way” and he says “old habits die hard” and she says “then I can’t do this anymore” and he says “I understand”. She leaves.
Stanford goes to the bar he is supposed to meet his online man at, and it turns out its a bar where you can only wear your underwear! He does it! Yay Stanford!! He cannot find his online date but another cute man approaches him instead and is super into him and it’s very sweet!!!!! Also Stanford has some A+ chest hair. Big shows up at Carrie’s at 2:30am. They have sex. The next morning she says that he should go to Paris, she isn’t coming with him “let’s not pretend we’re something we’re not”.
In VO she says, “did I ever really love Big, or was I addicted to the pain?”. Then the episode ends with her saying “And just like that, I untied myself from Big”.
Alas, we cannot yet untie ourselves from Season 2. Next up, episodes 13-17 and then a truly great season finale!
Another TV-pizza complaint: they always order 1 pizza (MAYBE 2) for groups of like 5+ people and that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.